Feeling numb

I know I shouldn't feel this way and I dont know how to change it I feel like the universe hates me or God I don't even know anymore I hate feeling this way I wish I didnt want to be a mom I cant take this hurt every month af shows her stupid face and I just want to cry I found out on Thanksgiving that a family member is pregnant and it shouldn't bother me but it does this girl barely cares for her first two as dad has main custody she can barely handle them when she has them now she is pregnant again with a guy who wants nothing to do with her or the baby I hate it I just want to cry