How do I stop hating myself?

So today I visited my dentist and she told me that I was not justifying my name (which is the name of a famously beautiful actress in our country). I just smiled to avoid the awkwardness, but she continued that I was not “worthy” of the name, cause I am too fat!

Imagine dragging a huge grocery bag which is filled with loads of stuff!!! Imagine that this bag follows you your whole life and it fills up more and more… THAT! that moment, right there!!! was when the bag just ripped and I snapped in my head! My grocery bag ripped and every emotion and stress I was dragging in it, just spilled out.

I smiled through her “encouraging speech” about how I need to lose weight (and I know I need to, but I’m struggling with it so much).

I left her office, but I was broken, devastated and just.. hurt..

I already hate looking in the mirror. Fun fact, I just got a HUGE mirror outside of my bathroom. It reminds me everyday what a fat fuck I am!!

I’m looking at other girls, and they are so tiny. small. thin. And here I am, I could fit like 3-4 of those girls inside me.

I’ve gained the extra 15-20 kgs for the last few years. I hate myself for that! I hate that I let myself go and that I’m letting people hurt me so much.

I just.. can’t get over this food addiction. I have a therapist and we go through this subject all the time, but I find myself unable and helpless whenever it comes to controlling myself. And that, my friends, makes me hate myself even more!!

Not every day is like that. Some days I love myself, my body and everything else, but mostly.. I just.. don’t want to look into the mirror.

I’ve developed nocturnal bruxism due to the stress related to this subject. I’m eating more because I’m nervous and I started comparing myself to other girls that come across my bf (although he’s being wonderful and supportive with me).

191lbs at the age of 24! looking back at myself, I just want to end it all..

I can’t see the help.. I can’t see the solution.. I just see my struggle.. every day, I go around like nothing’s bothering me, when I just want to break down and cry.

I’m struggling, I’m trying and dieting (or controlling myself, don’t know which one), but just one slip up is enough for me and my nervous system to break down and damage my body and soul even more than before. Even one word, even one person is enough.