Is my stepmom as crazy as I think?

Question

Hi so I’m 21 years old and have never known a time where my parents were together. My dad has been remarried for 21 years, so I have known my stepmom almost my whole life. 
Me and my stepmom have had issues in the past. When I was younger we would argue a lot and didn’t get along the best. She blamed me a lot for her relationship problems with my dad. There have been a few times where she has thrown objects at me and even slapped me in the face when I was growing up. My dad did nothing and I’ve never received an apology. Once I graduated from high school I decided to do community college and then transfer out while still splitting my time between my mom and dad despite these problems with my stepmom. Once I transferred I decided to choose a university that was far away in order to get away from some of the at home stressors caused by my relationship with my stepmom. 
Anyways the latest drama between her and I happened this thanksgiving weekend while I was home for college. My dad has been wanting me to talk to her about meeting my boyfriend of two years.  She has been relentless to meet him so far and my dad wanted me to try talking to her about it again. So I bring up the topic with her and she goes I am not having this conversation with you. I told her I needed to get the topic off of my chest and she started yelling at me. Then came the foul language. She told me that I was a whore for wanting my boyfriend of two years to meet my family. I got super angry and said you’re really gonna call me a fucking whore for having a boyfriend. And she kept calling me that. Then started screaming some other stuff at me and stormed off. By this time I’m shaking. She goes and tells my dad I was disrespectful to her when really I was just asking her politely to have this conversation.  My dad always makes excuses for her behavior and defends her saying this is how she processes things and this is her personally.... I just feel like it is very uncalled for that she used such foul language to refer to me.  I now am dreading going home for the holidays because she hasn’t apologized and continues to call me bad names behind my back. I have my dad saying I should let it go but honestly this is a big deal to me and has really hurt me. I want to be able to have my boyfriend at family events such as Christmas. I just need advice on how to handle this. I want to let it go for my dad but I’ve also let so many of the horrible things she’s done go in the past and I’m at my breaking point. Someone please offer me help!!! Thank you for reading

Answer

I would probably just spend the holidays with my boyfriend and not deal with their bullshit. Obviously she does not intend to even try to get along with you so I just wouldnt put up with her at all. I wouldnt want her to ruin my holidays or, perhaps worse, watch her be fake af to my bf after she threw that kind of a fit. Like I am not buying your dad's excuses. People dont have to be that shitty. I'm not about to be fake to someone like that and pretend that I want to spend the holidays with her.

Answer

I wouldn’t be going back to my house to spend holidays. I would even stop trying to be nice to her. Idk if your dads met him but go earlier and invite him out for lunch so it’s just the three of you and spend the holidays with your bf. I wouldn’t let this go either. She keeps disrespecting because your dad doesn’t respect you nor defend you which is why she does the things she does. You need to put your foot down now and bring light to your dad what she’s doing isn’t okay. And it wouldn’t be okay if it were the other way around so she needs to act her age

Answer

Start staying away from them.  Your dad is dumb if he can't see that she's crazy.

Answer

She’s crazy. Be the bigger person and do not respond to her  BS. Just smile and laugh it will drive her crazy that you don’t react. I would maybe skip this holiday and try next year

Answer

Ugh..I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. I have a really horrible step mother too. And my dad always defends her, never listens to my side. I don’t speak to her anymore. I won’t lay eyes on her either. I hardly speak to or see my dad bc of her. Won’t allow her to be in my child’s life either. Isn’t worth the stress. 
If you think there is a chance you all can sit down and talk it out, try it. Start recording conversations so you can prove the things she’s saying and starting. She sounds manipulative and so nasty. I’ll never understand step mother-jealousy

Answer

Inwouldnt want my bf meeting that mess. Introduce her to your mom and then your dad lone at coffee 🤷🏼‍♀️ best of luck

Answer

Tbh I was in a similar position as you. I lived with my dad and I was about six when he got remarried. My step mom was extremely abusive towards her own kid (my step brother). My dad was also in the army so he was deployed. This continued for a long time. And then at some point she turned it around on me. She started mentally abusing me alllllll the time telling me I’m fat, I’m stupid, I’m a bitch, etc you name it. She would tell me how it was nice when I wasn’t around and was at my moms. Tried to confront my dad about it and everything she’s done and he just would tell me to stop making up stories or ignored it. Never really stopped it. This strained our relationship tremendously and yes they did finally apologize after I moved out of state and didn’t talk to them for a couple years but I feel like that pain never completely goes away sadly. I don’t think her behavior is anything to be excused at all as I know how it feels to be in your position and maybe cutting them off and being around your mom only is your best option hopefully they come around like mine did. I know that’s not much help but I hope things turn around for you and she treats you with more respect.

Answer

Thank you to everyone who commented and gave me their opinions. I definitely appreciate an outsider’s perspective on the situation. I am going to try and have a mature conversation about the situation with my dad but if that doesn’t work I will need to reconsider my holiday plans unfortunately. Thank you again!

Answer

I wouldn’t spend holidays with those two. They have made it clear the don’t respect you, and your dad chooses her over you.

Answer

She sounds emotionally and verbally abusive. Maybe manipulative for your dad. What’s disappointing is that your dad hasn’t done anything to defend himself, or you, from her behavior. 
I suggest sitting down and having a conversation with just your dad and let him know that her behavior is unhealthy for not only for you but for him as well. You’re an adult now and choose not to entertain her abuse behavior but you’d like to maintain a relationship with him. This means not spending anymore time with her in the future.  
It will be a difficult conversation but your peace is worth it 100%.

Is my stepmom as crazy as I think?

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