Should I make my daughter apologize?

Question

So I feel like my life is turning into Pretty Little Lies lol...okay not that dramatic but my little girl is officially in her first year of school. Granted she started in August and no one has had a problem with her, but I'm not completely certain if she did this or not. 
She gets great behavior remarks and takes school very seriously lol...she reminds me of a business woman because she's constantly reminding me of what she needs for school. She has never hit, bitten, let alone spit on anyone. 
So yesterday afternoon I went to pick her up from school. I got out, she ran to me, I gave her a hug and told her to get in the car. When I got her situated, I turned around to find this lady all up in my business. "Your daughter spit and punched my daughter in the face." I looked down at this little girl by her and noticed she did indeed have a black eye starting and opened back the door and asked my daughter if she did this. She looks at me and says "No mommy! I promise I never hit her!" I turned back around and asked the little girl that supposedly  got hit by my daughter, "Are you sure that my girl hit you?" She just nodded and turned away shyly and looked everywhere else but at me or my daughter. 
I told the mom, surely if this happened between the girls, a teacher had to have seen it! I told her let's talk to the teacher and see if they have video tapes of the altercation or if anyone saw the punch. 
She says, no your daughter must apologize! Right now! 
I said, my daughter is not going to apologize if she says she didn't do it. If I find out shes lying which is very uncharacteristic of her, then she will surely apologize and have the proper discipline. I closed the car door, told the lady I'd call the school for a meeting tomorrow and got in my car to drive off. 
Well, now I'm unsure of this school because the teacher said they had no eye witnesses and the cameras didn't catch anything they could see. So it had to had happened behind their backs. (There's two teachers per classroom and about 25 kids per class, so it's a lot to look out for) but now I'm unsure of my next move.
My husband said she shouldn't have to apologize if she didn't do anything and I agree, but this mom is furious! I can understand, I would be too, but why she pointed out my daughter I have no clue. 
At a loss....

Answer

I used to be a teacher and yes it’s possible for things to happen when no one is watching. Even with two teachers, especially with little ones. However if it were my daughter getting accused and it was uncharacteristic of her I would definitely believe your daughter especially if the teachers are always saying good things about her. I would just tell her “I believe you when you said you didn’t do it. But if you ever did make a mistake like that I want you to be able to tell me.” I wouldn’t make her apologize with her never having gotten into trouble unless she was actually caught doing it. I would let it go. If she gets accused again have another talk. 
But I will say as a teacher there were students who I trusted more than others. I don’t mean that in a bad way but you do learn what their typical behavior is and yes sometimes kids will surprise you and do something they don’t normally do but this time I would let it go ♥️ 
I do recommend having a talk with her teachers and asking her to keep an eye on your daughter and that little girl who accused her. More for your daughters protection if you know she didn’t do it.

Answer

It's a matter of he said, she said. The onus is on them to prove it was your daughter. Until then, don't apologise.

Answer

I don't agree with making anyone apologize without getting the full story but I also believe that somewhere in the middle is the actual truth.  It's also not a far stretch of the imagination for either to lie for sake of saving their skin.  I'm not surprised by either child's reaction at that moment, regardless of who's telling the truth.   If the other child accusing your child is lying, she's certainly not going to admit it in that moment.  Nor would your daughter come out and say, 'Yes I punched her in the eye' while an angry woman is going all 'mama bear.''  After all, we were all kids once. 
To punch hard enough for a black eye though is a pretty major punch and for a child that young, I'm surprised that the other child didn't start crying or immediately tell a teacher (again, we were all kids once) and that makes me very suspicious.  Especially with the fact that the child wouldn't look at either of you or provide any explanation.  That's even more suspicious.  
Are there any prior issues between your daughter and hers? Is the other child a bully and your daughter was potentially defending herself?  I think talking with a teacher is a good start but I'd also try to get some kind of explanation as to what happened from your daughter beforehand and why the other child would accuse your daughter of that.  For the child to single out your daughter says to me that SOMETHING went down or there's some kind of issue between the two of them.  The bigger question is who actually started it.  Both are equally capable of saying 'It wasn't me." for the sake of not getting in trouble, but who actually started it makes all the difference.  But I don't care how 'mama bear' she is.  I wouldn't make my daughter apologize without getting the facts first.

Answer

Playing devils advocate here because we all have the instinct to be mama bear and protect our kids.... if you were on the opposite side of this situation and your child was the one who was punched and spit on and she told you who it was... how would you react and want to handle the situation? Sometimes it’s good to consider all perspectives and possibilities before reacting. 
Not saying I disagree with you... Just offering another perspective... 🤷🏼‍♀️

Answer

I couldn’t make my child apologize if I wasn’t 100% sure it was them. I feel like even if it’s a one time thing it could become an issue for trust later on if that makes sense. Especially if that’s not something she would normally do. Maybe try asking her again on her own and see what she says or maybe she saw what actually happened.

Answer

I wouldn’t make my child apologize just because of how the other mom spoke to you. You were trying to get to the truth and all she cared about is an apology. You know your child but I’d ask her again just to make sure and have a talk to her about hitting just to make sure she understands that hitting hurts and we don’t hurt our friends or others. The mom should have went to the teachers and should not have confronted you at your car. I understand that she believes her child and was upset but there are ways to handle things like this. I was a daycare teacher and things like this happen. Kids hit, bite, and kick and i had ways to defuse situations and calm parents so we all were happy.

Answer

I guess I’m wondering why the other girl would lie. Does your daughter know anything about the situation? That is, did she see someone else hit her or her fall (you said she had a black eye) was she near the girl before the accusations happened or was she else where, etc. 
a little different situation, because you’d think with a punch to the face it’d be clearer, but maybe a similar situation I went through will help a bit 🤷🏻‍♀️. When I was in middle school, a girl was being very hateful & obnoxious towards me at lunch one day. I asked her to stop & she didn’t, then suddenly she stopped and threw her head down on the table dramatically and wouldn’t speak again the rest of lunch. I was confused (though glad she stopped) until the next day I was brought to the principals office accused of kicking her hard under the table. I was confused & adamant I didn’t do it! She was adamant that I did. Nothing came if it since no one could prove anything, but I was always really bitter that she made up that lie about me & there was a lot of drama between us for years to come. 3-4 years later another friend made a comment about the old incident & said “oh yeah that day she was being so obnoxious at lunch, I kicked her under the table to shut her up!” (This friend never knew I had been accused at the time). It was such a good lesson for me that we all have a different perspective of events & just because our perspective is different doesn’t mean we are being purposefully dishonest.

Answer

I'd trust my child. And i would not apologize, especially since the mother demanded an apology. Besides that, if you have to ask for an apology, its not sincere anyway.

Answer

That’s a common number of students to be handled by even one teacher . Yes kids are sneaky and things do happen. I would sit down talk to you daughter regardless it never hurts to speak with our child and say hey hitting isn’t okay even if you don’t think she did . Maybe she did and it was self protection and she just happens to be a better fighter lol or maybe she didn’t do it but knows who did. Or maybe she has no idea wth is going on but atleas if you soeak with her you can know you did your part.
Bt unfortunately you probably will have no idea what happened ever but do not forced your kid to apologize unless she said she did it or you have solid proof she did it

Answer

Because you don’t know for sure since no one saw it , that’s hard. You should never force a child to apologize no matter the age. I think you should sit down and talk to her about the seriousness of the situation. As long as she understands that if she did do it maybe she’ll tell you.

Should I make my daughter apologize?

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