My story has never been written . It took me years to speak about it and it’s still hard more than ten years later. I had this best friend (girl) she had a bad reputation for being promiscuous , but I didn’t ( didn’t know certain ppl assumed it , I was young and naive). Well her cousin was super funny and around a lot , as he was my boyfriend of like a months best friend . I considered him to be like family . Well I’ve night I was at a party at about age 17 . I was buzzed but def not drunk . I told my friend (ashlee) I was ready to leave , well she had other plans and said her cousin would take me home . I thought no big deal he’s my boyfriends bestfriend it’s fine . He had another guy I didnt know with him too . So we get in the car and drive , after a minute he pulls into a gas station and the guy I didn’t know gets out . Zach Ashlee’s cousin just leaves him there and starts driving and that’s when I said why did you drop him off there? Zach said that’s what he wanted and he was getting picked up . I assumed it ok . It takes me a second to realize we’re not going home but deep into the woods . I ask what’s going on and he turned from funny chubby guy to saying these hateful terrible things to me . Like @ you think your to good for me ?” And “it won’t take long “. “It’s not that hard “ etc etc it was soo hate filled it was honestly shattering my mind . He locked the doors and I reached to get out , he pushed me down and pulled my skirt up over my head so I couldn’t see. He was saying terrible things the whole time. I realized he liked the struggle and had made it impossible for me to get away so I stopped to not give him that satisfaction . I’m serious when I say I had an out of body experience . I was so afraid and hurt in my spirit I just left my body and I remember watching it happen from above my body . In actuality I don’t know how long it lasted but I remember him saying “that wasn’t so bad when it was over . I thought about running but I didn’t know where I was and honestly I was in shock . I said nothing .then the really twisted night gets much worse . He drives back to the gas station and picks up the guy I didn’t know . I was in shock and not speaking . I was afraid of it happening again . He drove back to the party . I was terrified . He and his friend just hopped out like it was nothing and Zach said “ if you tell anyone what happened I’ll say you did it for this “ and threw twenty dollars in the seat of his truck . I just got out found my boyfriend and he took me home . Of course I didn’t take the money . At that point I trusted no one . It took years to trust anyone . My life was changed .i never spoke to my boyfriend after that night because I mentally couldn’t handle him possibly not believing me . I felt like all the things he called me (Zach) in the truck and I was ashamed of my entire naive life. I never went back to that town . I cut ties with my bestfriend Ashlee without a word of explanation. I was too ashamed to tell my mom ever . I just got in the shower and cried . I’d never felt so dirty before or since . I just layed in there trying to wash if the shame I felt . After years of going over the night I learned that he and his friend planned the whole thing . The guy I barely knew was fine with what he did to me and agreed to wait at the store . Zach never told his bestfriend what he did and I didn’t either . Sadly my love for his family stopped me from reaching out to anyone . I loved Ashlee and her whole family deeply and didnt want to cause her family pain . I couldn’t bare the thought of people’s opinions and possibly not believing me . I would rarely see him out and he would wink at me and things . Everytime caused panic attacks I would spiral into a breathless sob . Inconsolable . It was very hard for me to open up to people anyway and it took me years to tell anyone at all . I told my sister . Until now . My mom passed away a few years ago (2) and I never told her . It hurts to think about how the whole thing happened. I grew up that night . Careless and free nights would and will never happen after that night at seventeen . I never thought I could be so betrayed by someone . Looking back he was an angry guy . He was very jealous of his bestfriend for dating me . He thought of all women the same . I have never spoken to him since then . I changed the way I lived my life to try and avoid the situation from ever happening again. I never partied after that I dressed Modestly almost comically modest . I changed my friend group . I carried the shame. I realize now there was nothing I could have done . The only reason I want to mention this now is to hopefully help some girl out here that might need to hear this . I pray you don’t get in the car ever unplanned . I pray that you know your worth and speak up . I pray that your love strengthens you and never in-prisons you . I pray that no one has to experience what I did . If anyone ever presses a date or Jokes in appropriately . Don’t let it slide . Dont shrug it off . You never know what someone’s darkest thoughts are you only get fragments and hints of it by day . If you made it through this know I’m not a victim I’m a survivor . I’m stronger than I knew and I just wish adult me could talk to teen me and tell her it was okay . You never really know people . I’m not sure if anyone could have seen this coming . Just always be careful and watch carefully for signs like I had . He had a bitterness about him and an eye on me often that I didnt notice until after much thought . Sorry for the venting . I pray this helps someone . Getting it out helps . I wish I could say I was strong and did a rape kit . I wish I could say he never did it again . I dont know , but I do know it was one of the hardest things I ever went through . So be kind to people going through these things . I wasn’t capable of any more than what I did ,at the time I did everything in my power but the thought of court and gossip and divided families was too much for me to handle . People going through this just need to know it wasn’t their fault and love . Safety and boundaries . I’m a mom now and I pray I stay close enough to my kids that they would call me for a ride and talk to me if someone hurt them. We live and learn . But we never forget .