I keep telling myself I’m not alone..

*no negative comments*

..I’m a mother of a 2 year old. And a newborn. I been dealing with depression since I was about 8.. I’ve overcome many things. I used to have suicidal thoughts all the time.. I even used to harm myself. But all that ended with my 1st pregnancy. Harming myself anyway. Depression has never left me tho. It’s always been my company. Everywhere I go I can’t seem to get rid of it. I’ve never asked for help, professionally anyway. But lately.. lately I just want to jump off a bridge. Lately I been thinking stupid thoughts. I wonder if my kids would be better off without me. I don’t neglect them. In fact my bf tells me I’m a good mother. But I battle with myself constantly. I have this little voice in my head that tells me what if... I constantly picture a life without me being here. My kids growing up without me.

I don’t take care of my self. I don’t love myself. I don’t even want to know about my self. Right now I feel like as if I’m just living for my children. As I’m currently typing this I feel like screaming. I have a knot on my throat. An emptiness in my stomach. Idk where to look for help or how to ask for help. I don’t like to talk to anyone about it bc I feel like I’ll get judged. So I’m posting anonymously.