My SO and I have been together for 3 years and I have seen this man cry maybe 3-4 times in that span of time. He got a new job when I was 8 weeks pregnant and they take work in another state which is only 2 hours or so away ALL week and then come home on weekends so he can spend time with me.

He came home early last Friday and it was such a great surprise! I had spent all day cleaning the house for him! But I had a really hard week being almost 30 weeks pregnant (I turned 30 weeks today!) and our toilet flooding our spare bathroom and one of my dogs just pooping everywhere. I couldn’t fix the bathroom myself and I broke down crying. It was a rough week for me, so seeing him was perfect.

Later that Friday night he asked what I would rather do. We usually go to his buddies home poker parties he puts on, but his other buddies wanted him to stay and play some video games. The poker friend was going to see us Saturday anyways so I chose stay home and he can play video games and I’ll just watch. No big deal to me. We also had dinner with his step-sister which I wasn’t aware of, but it was nice to see her!

Saturday rolls around and we go shooting at targets in the canyon with his poker buddy and spend a good two hours doing so. We decide we’re all hungry and we go eat out together as well. Then we have a family dinner we planned to have at our place because we rotate homes each dinner. His mom and grandparents came over as always and spent 4 hours there eating and playing games. They all leave and he insists I play a video game with him and the buddies from Friday night. I told him okay but I really wanted to take a shower with him sometime that night because I needed one (I prefer showering with him because I can’t stand long or I start to feel faint. Plus I like to have that close one on one time with him, we like to talk about our future and the baby while showering, it’s just kind of nice to have that time alone). We played video games until 2 IN THE MORNING and basically the whole time his friends picked on me, I should be used to it, but it really bothered me. So I went to bed without a shower and without a word after packing his bag for him to leave for work tomorrow at 4pm again.

Fast forward to Sunday...He wakes up to let the dogs out, but doesn’t come back to bed to cuddle or wake me like he usually does. No big deal. I get up and shower alone. The shower gave me time to over think and get crazy upset about everything going on. I cried. Got my composure, went out and wrote my feelings in my journal to try and ward them off and make myself food. He hasn’t said a word to me all morning. After a while he gets up and goes into the room for about an hour and I get fed up with the ignoring and go to ask what’s up. He had showered and was now sitting on the bed on his phone. Didn’t come talk to me. He started putting on his work clothes and said “I think I’m just going to leave early for work.” It wasn’t even 1pm yet. I lost it. I got dressed and went and cried again. I know it was more than likely the pregnancy hormones hitting hard, but it sucked. I felt my son kicking and got worried I was stressing him out so I decided to go talk to my SO finally. He’s on the floor (he never does that) and I had pulled off my promise ring he gave me because my finger had swole up and it kind of hurt. He thought it was for other reasons and I caught this man crying...My heart shattered. After years of begging him to open up to me and talk and show his emotions because it was okay to do so around me, I’m not his father...he was crying because of a fight...not because he was in the wrong (the past is hard to explain, but he only cried when caught).

I stood in the door way and thought about it for a few seconds and then started talking to him. Told him I’m sorry I started acting the way I did, I felt like we were going backwards in the progress we had made on our communication and healthy relationship, and that I was just insanely stressed and tired. I didn’t sleep until 4am the night before and I was so over it. I felt alone in my pregnancy because he’s gone so often and I can’t share the kicks or the crazy big milestones my body goes through with him cause he’s gone. I told him I know it wasn’t his fault, but I felt SOOO alone. I was also stressed because of everything that had happened in the week while he was gone and I didn’t know how to fix it, I felt helpless. Then he comes home and OUR weekend is spent filling everyone else into the empty’s spots and we didn’t get any time with just us. I cried again, of course. I told him I was really just terrified and I shouldn’t take it out on him, but I’m at a loss. I have to give birth to our already perfect son incredibly soon and I’m not sure I can do it...or I’ll have to do it alone cause his boss won’t hold to the promise of keeping him in town when the time comes...just all the bad possibilities.

He cried more and just hugged me...we sat like that for a long time. Sniffling and holding each other. I felt so much relief and tension just fade away...that was all I needed and I couldn’t speak up because I wanted him to spend time with his friends too and not be selfish...and instead I created a big fight and I made him cry.

I didn’t care if my finger was a little swollen, I put that promise ring back on and told him I was sorry for taking it off, it’ll only come off when dishes need done or I’m showering. The relief in his eyes was greater than what I had felt...

I created a fight because I didn’t want to speak up and FEEL selfish. He said if I would’ve said something we could’ve just be alone at some point...I caused us to go backwards in all the hard work we put into communication and healthy talks because I didn’t want to FEEL selfish.

We spent the rest of that day with each other and both agreed it was probably best the bickering happened, but to not let it happen again.

I won’t. Not after seeing how much he really truly loves me...

We haven’t fought in a year and a half like that and when we would in the past (we started dating in school and it was always other women, high school was a bad time for us as a couple), I never saw the pain in his eyes during or the relief when things would be okay after. But I saw it this time and it was crushing to know I did that to him.

If you’re not doing well...please speak to your SO. Don’t hold it in. Bottling it up makes it 1,000x worse and gets you nowhere but huge fights. Maybe they feel just as stuck as you do, but you don’t talk enough to know it.

Thank you for reading this far. It was a lot, I know. But I hope it helps people realize how important it is to work on communication and honesty in a long term relationship. It will ruin you both if you don’t have that...I can say from experience that I would MUCH rather have been honest from the start than just bottle it all up. It would’ve been better for us and for our unborn son.

To our son: I’m sorry I put so much stress on your poor little growing body without thinking. That was more selfish than anything. Mommy and daddy are 100% okay and we’re ready to welcome you whenever you’re ready to meet us! We love you so much! 💕

((Pictures for attention))

Our first picture ever together! A few days before Christmas, 2016, 3 years ago!

Our most recent together! 💕 A few days before Christmas, 2019!