Help pls

I don’t even know if I should be posting here but I’m desperate. I’m sorry for the long post but please don’t be hateful I’m going through enough.

My sweet baby is 4 months old and since day one when I got home from the hospital after my csection the babies father didn’t really help all that often, I couldn’t move and would cry all day he made me feel like a terrible person for it.

I’ve always had a feeling he was up to something or lying about stuff but he would always tell me I’m crazy and all I do is over think blah blah blah. So I was so down on myself thinking I’m the issue. We fought all the time and he was never home so it caused more fights. He worked a lot but after that he would always make excuses to go see his other two kids he has from his previous relationship.

Anyways I couldn’t take the stress of the expectation from day to day knowing if he would come home early or not to help care for our child and I was always let down and couldn’t talk to him because if I did his excuse for not helping is that I’m his mother and off a year on mat leave the first year isn’t for fathers.. I know this is bs and I was hurt. I finally decided to kick him out of my house a few weeks before Christmas and immediately he ran back to his ex’s house to stay(she was the route of all our problems) says he had no where to go and I’m an awful person for kicking him out. I’ve tried communicating multiple time and he wouldn’t have any part of it.

Anyways I won’t go into too much other detail the reason I’m posting is because I’m a single mother now. And he never wanted to see his son before but stated he wants 50/50 custody and I don’t want to be a jackass but why should he when he couldn’t be bothered to help any other time? He’s had multiple opportunities to come see him, and for instance on New Years I was sicker then a dog with a head cold and did not want the baby to get it so suggested I drop off the baby to him while he’s at his parents so they can see him as well, and he kept making excuses so he didn’t take him, I found out last night the reason why he didn’t want him is because his ex was at his family gathering for New Years. And he lied about it, I found out when I was 7 months pregnant that he lied and hung out with his ex and their two kids, he left me at home and had a day out of town with them, I understand a day with the kid but a day with their mother when I’m pregnant with his child seems unnecessary.

I’m just so hurt and feel super weak, I’m trying to be strong and I just don’t know how. He threatens he’s going to take my son from me and if we go to court for custody that they will give him full custody cause he says I’m not stable, he’s the reason I’m going crazy and I know I don’t want to be with a liar but I also don’t want my son around someone like him that lies and chooses a girl over spending time with him.

Everyone says it takes time to heal and I have such bad anxiety and pp blues I’m struggling. I have a counseling meeting over the phone in the next few days but I’m not sure how to cope till then, I haven’t been able to eat or sleep and have been crying constantly because of this tight feeling in my chest. It’s not fair to my son to have a mom that feels this way because it’s going to affect him. I’m just at a loss and feel like I’m drowning😭 I did start by blocking his dad on all social media accounts and his phone number and told him if he needs to contact about the baby to contact my parents because I can’t talk to him. I’m so desperate to not feel like this. He’s all I’ve known for 13 years he was my rock and I feel like my heart got ripped from my chest 😭😭