I know that some people might think that im a baby, or im dependant. Truth is i hate being dependant on people... i really do, my boyfriend does a job where hes away for days at a time, right now im 14 weeks pregnant and im not really looking for anyone to understand really but i guess im kind of looking to vent, if someone understands it might help me feel a little less frusterated at myself. I was sexually assaulted 2x in my sleep 4 1/2 years ago, and i used to not be able to sleep at night due to my brain being in survival mode thinking it would happen again, id rather stay up for 4 or 5 days until i fell asleep or have a friend i trusted sleep in the same room as me. Since it happened i feel the need to have that sense of security when im sleeping so it doesnt happen again, welll, my brain feels the need for it. I wish i could just sleep i am so exhausted but everytime i start trying to sleep i have anxiety attacks. My boyfriend has been gone for 2 nights now, hell be back in the morning but i havent slept yet. I keep getting very upset when i try to sleep, my chest just tightens up and my mind starts racing. Its a horrible feeling.. feeling like im still a victim after almost 5 years, i still feel like it controls my life sometimes. Im worried that this will happen even after baby is here :( i hate having to feel so dependant on my boyfriend to be here so that i am able to sleep. I wish he was here.. i am inbetween even telling him how i feel because i dont want him to feel bad for going to work. Its hard not to express my feelings because its something ive learned to do with him. Im not sure what could help this... i try wearing his shirts or putting them near me to help ease the anxiety when hes gone but it doesnt help too much.