i miss him so badly

I miss my ex so badly. I don’t mean to pour my heart out here but I still look for him in crowded rooms. I still hope it’s him when my phone buzzes and I still cry over what it could’ve been. I miss his voice and his laugh and his touch and I hate that I couldn’t make him love me like i loved him. I’m so scared to ever open up again cause I don’t want to hurt like this for so long ever again. I just don’t want anyone but him. I say I would never take him back but I would in a heartbeat, even though it’s been five months since the breakup. He was my first love. I’ve never felt that way towards anyone in my life before and I wasn’t good enough to make him feel the same way back. He was my best friend and my first everything. He says he cares and doesn’t want to hurt me anymore so he left. He didn’t treat me the best towards the end and I did cry myself to sleep a lot of nights because of him. It’s almost like I’m the only one who doesn’t think he’s bad for me - even HE knows he is. But I can’t stop thinking about the good moments - the falling asleep on facetime, cuddling and watching horror movies, kissing, laughing with him. I miss it all so fucking much. I can’t move on. I feel so weak and I lost a lot of my happiness. I feel like I’ve lost myself and I don’t even know who I am anymore. When will the hurt stop