**This post is all over the place. I'm sorry. I'm absolitely exhausted and foggy**

People don't always understand when you're not ok and sometimes it is really hard to explain why or how you're not. Even after you try so hard to articulate what is wrong, nothing you say comes out right. For months I knew something wasn't right but somehow I felt trapped in my own head. Where I knew my words and my actions were hurting those around me but there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was as if someone took over my brain and I was living in a fog screaming for help. No one could hear me. I was all alone. I tried desperately to let those around me know I needed help. Telling them as much. All I would hear is that it would be ok. I didn't know what kind of help I needed. I just...needed help. I needed to be saved because I was drowning in myself. I have untreated Post Partum Depression. Today, as I sat on the exam table waiting for my annual exam and praying she would take this evil birth control out since the receptionist scheduled me for the wrong kind of appt, the doctor told me I did not need to be on any hormonal birth control. This being the second one to have horrible side effects. The IUD was worse, but not by much. I felt like I was going crazy. My depression and anxiety were worse. I was in a constant rage and afraid I would hurt someone.

My husband kept telling me I was being mean to him, the baby, and the dogs. I had no remorse. I didn't care. Somewhere in the back of my mind I had to force myself to say that this wasn't right. The way I felt was wrong. I don't hate my husband or my son. I don't want either of them to die. Yet, here I was wishing that they would. Here I was sitting here feeling worthless and hating myself for everything.

The birth control is out and I want to cry because I want nothing more than to feel ok again. Right now. Right this second. There is nothing I want more than to just feel normal again and to have a normal body and a normal brain. One day at a time.💙