We’re Healing❤️

Once my OB provided a due date, and we seen our baby on an ultrasound and were told everything looks good, I naturally constructed a mental image of what life with this baby will look like, and thoughts about our new family flooded my mind. I immediately began planning my life, expecting this baby. Matt and I were more than excited. This baby wasn’t planned, but it was most definitely wanted and already loved by so many people. We fell in love when we seen two blue lines.

And then, at our second doctor appointment, it was all gone, in 1 sentence. “I’m sorry, but there’s not a heartbeat now.” All of our joy, all our excitement, all our planning ended in that moment. I immediately felt confused, angry, scared, heart broken, devastated, embarrassed. I just didn’t understand. I questioned myself, I questioned God. We wanted this baby and we couldn’t have it. Why?

I’ve never experienced depression from a miscarriage, until now. And to be quite frank, that shit sucks. I did nothing but cry and think about the lifeless child I’m still carrying inside me. I battled with countless emotions in just seconds. I just couldn’t get it off my mind.

This is where I want to say how amazing Matthew is. He was just as devastated as I was. Even though he wasn’t carrying our child, this was still his child. All of his joy and excitement was ripped away at the same moment mine was. He struggled with this just as much as I did, but he seen where it was taking me. He seen I was falling into a dark place, and immediately started pulling me out. “Come to work with me baby. Come get lunch with me baby.” He knew I needed to leave the house. And when I got to work, he did everything to make me laugh ALL day. He was exactly what I needed to pull me out of my funk. I’m beyond thankful for this amazing man of mine.

We’re not completely healed from this, by any means. But we are getting through this to together. We do need our time to ourselves, so family and friends please don’t take our distance personal. We’re just healing❤️