So tonight I met up with a guy I met online. It was just a casual going to have fun thing. But when I got there he instantly made me extremely uncomfortable! I tried to just pretend I wasn’t. I couldn’t even look at the guy and I know I wasn’t hiding it very well! He still pushed on and immediately started to try and make out with me. (I knew he was going to be dominant but I didn’t quite realize how much/ how I would feel.) (back story I was sexually assaulted when I was 10 and I thought I was okay and I normally think I want guys to be more dominant) He then very quickly took things farther. Like less than a minute after I walked in the door. I continued trying to pretend I was comfortable and thinking the feeling would pass and I would get into it. It just got worse though! I completely disassociated and tried to pretend it wasn’t happening while trying to not let him be able to tell. Then when I would try to say something I couldn’t. I was screaming in the inside but I couldn’t actually do anything. I felt stuck... I absolutely don’t blame him but I wish he would have read the signals a little better. I WISH I COULD HAVE SAID SOMETHING... ANYTHING! I went to the bathroom thinking it was finally over and literally cried. But when I came back out he wanted to go again and started things as I was walking out the door. Again I couldn’t say or do anything. I tried but no sound would come out I almost felt as if I was outside of my body. It felt like it went on for hours and hours. In reality I was only there for an hour. As soon as I walked out the door I lost it and started bawling. I cried the whole way home. I never fully understood how when things like this happen you really can’t control what your body does even if mentally you are not in it at all. I don’t know what to do or feel. I just feel so ashamed, gross and disappointed in myself. If anybody has any kind helpful words it would be very much appreciated rn. I feel so alone because I don’t want to tell anyone what happened.

Edit** I 1000% do not blame him at all. I know it was my fault. I couldn’t say no or push him away even though I wanted to in my head. I felt as though I was outside of my body and like I was screaming at my body to do something or say something but couldnt. But yes I know it’s not his fault, I know it was not rape. I’m just feeling confused and disappointed/frustrated in myself for going in the first place and then not stopping it.