I just scheduled my first appointment to see a therapist. I’m so nervous and it took me a while to do this. I would always say I need to go to therapy and my husband would always say ok whatever you need to do. Always supportive but I guess I was embarrassed to actually go. Anyway. I think things in my past have traumatized me. Although not nearly as bad as what other people have gone through.

- I dated a guy as a teen and it was really on and off. Long story short, he constantly cheated on me and could never decide between me and the girl he kept cheating with. This went on from the time I was 16 to 22. I met my now husband when I was 22 and realized that he was the man I had been praying for. But I feel like all of that cheating and other things that happened really took a hit on my self esteem. Wondering why I wasn’t good enough and etc. I don’t think I healed from that. Since I spent a whole lot of time crying myself to sleep in those years. And I never got closure as to why that other girl was so much better than me in his opinion. Maybe I’m crazy.

-I love my son. But motherhood is hard. We moved an hour and a half away from my family before I got pregnant. I struggle with the loneliness and isolation of being a stay at home mom. Although I am grateful I get to do that everyday.

-back to self esteem issues, I hate what I see in the mirror. I don’t feel attractive at all. Although my husband tells me I’m beautiful and he loves a million times a day. I don’t feel that way about myself. I have no desire to fix it even though I want too.

-I had a miscarriage 5 months ago. It came as a surprise when I found out I was pregnant. That baby would’ve been due the week my son turned two. I felt overwhelmed. So did my husband. So we kinda weren’t super excited at first. Just shocked. Then we got so so excited and boom. Miscarriage. I feel so much guilt for even feeling not excited at first and aside from that guilt. I am just sad. I had a d&c and my cycles are weird and short now. And I’m concerned I am left with uterine scarring as a result.

I’m just ready to finally talk about these topics with someone who can give me the tools to process.