I spend so much time thinking about having a baby that..

I’ve basically planned everything 😂

(I know I’ve forgotten a lot in here but)

I have my boys name and girls name

I know that I want to wait to know the gender at birth

I know I want to use a midwife even though I will require a high risk doctor as well

I know how and where I want to give birth

I know what books I want to read, journals, keepsake books I want to fill out

I know how I want to surprise my husband with the news

I know how I want to do the nursery

I know how excited my mom will be and I’ll be inviting her to stay with me for a month once baby is born- she lives in a different country

I know what kind of mom I want to be (just like my own mom because she is a fucking queen and the best mother)

I know how I want to announce to my family and friends the big news!

But I know that After 4 miscarriages and no healthy pregnancies, and years of struggling, it’s likely I may never get to bring all these things to fruition

And it hurts so bad. But I know I have to stay hopeful. It could happen. I could be blessed.