So I’ll just give you some background first.

I had a hookup with a guy I’ve been seeing on and off for 2 years now.

I invited him over in the first place because I was looking for love and intimacy...the sex wasn’t like that and I obviously should have known better.

I have a mother who I live with who has borderline personality disorder. On her good days she is the loveliest mother and I don’t doubt for a second that she wouldn’t make a great grandmother.

I have also been very depressed from losing my grandfather a year ago who was basically my only father figure. He had lived with us my whole life and my mom too since she never moved out.

I tried to commit suicide this December and I’ve never been necessarily religious but I did pray and even though I had been planning it for sometime, I ended up getting a lot of good things done. I feel closer to God and Jesus more than I have ever been, even though I trust in logic and facts, I feel His presence.

My mom left last week to her boyfriends house and that’s when I invited the fwb over. Like I said before, I didn’t get love and intimacy but just “fucking” as crude as it sounds. I wanted to cry afterwards but I held it in since he was staying the night.

Now I’m in a private college on an almost full scholarship trying to declare premed for next semester since it is my life long dream to become a doctor. I’m depressed, I take medications, I’m poor, I’m not an ideal mother by any means and I don’t want to fail this child if I am pregnant. However, there’s something in me wanting to be their mother and love them and show them the beauty of the world and humanity. I want to show them you can accomplish anything you set your mind to.

Is it realistic for me to consider premed at this point or even having the child? I’m basically a naive 20 year old.

I ask that you please respond with compassion and empathy if possible. I don’t believe I will be able to take criticism in this format right now.

Thank you ❤️