My first baby

Today, was quite possibly the worst day of my life (2/12/2020). Today I had went for my first appointment for my pregnancy at what was about almost eight weeks. I had a mixture of emotions swirling around my head as I was on my way to the appointment. Rightfully so when this was my first pregnancy with a man I loved. When they had done the ultrasound, all I could feel was happiness as I saw the little bean form on the screen. There was tears of joy and a short laugh when I had seen your face for the first time. I couldn’t think of anything hurting you ever at that very moment. The same words my mom had said to me, I had felt the same way about this life growing inside me. I was so happy to show the pictures to your daddy and show him how big you were. All that came to an end when I was told you didn’t have a heart beat and didn’t have the yolk sac that you needed to live. At that moment, all I could feel was a large empty whole inside my chest. Everything felt heavy around me as hot tears came rushing down my face. I couldn’t even form the words to answer the questions that the doctor had asked. All I remember is those horrible words leaving the doctors mouth and the comment about needing surgery to have you removed from me. I know I’m not suppose to blame myself for what had happened or blame anyone else, but this feels like it’s my fault. As tiny as you were, I couldn’t protect you any longer. You had already left this world before you had entered it. That breaks my heart to even think about. I’ve been crying since about 2 pm. It’s about 9:40 pm. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without looking at my small bump that you had formed. I can’t help but cry every time i look at your changing table or the small swing we had bought you. I can’t even think about the possibility of this happening again. This feeling I do not wish upon anyone else. This feeling, is not a feeling anyone should feel. I will remember this day always as the day I had lost my first baby. The day nobody would ever want to see come. Today I am grieving beyond words. To have nightmares occur right in front of your eyes and not even be asleep, that’s a true life horror movie.