deleted my ex’s number

I deleted my ex’s number in the beginning of january and now I regret it so bad because I want to reach out. he wanted to stay in touch but I told him I couldn’t cause I still had feelings for him so i said I would come around eventually. I thought i would never come around so i deleted his number. I miss him so badly I want to scream. and I have no way of reaching him or getting more closure or anything. I hate this. it’s 12;30 am and i’m trying to backup my contacts back into my phone but nothing is working. now i’m sobbing and acting crazy and i hate it. is this the universe trying to tell me to just stop and let it go???? I want to talk to him but I literally can’t.