I'm in love with a minipulative ass

I'm so sick of doing nothing and you getting upset with me telling me "idk if I'm staying yet" when I haven't done anything wrong but get upset about something YOU did and it crush me everyday and make me feel like life isn't even worth living.I'm sick of having to cry and beg and appoligize for getting upset at something you did to hurt me.I'm sick of you talking to other peoples and me thinking it's my fault and keep begging for you back and saying I'll be better when I'm not even in the wrong.I'm sick of acting like its okay you watch porn all of the time and talk to other people because I think "well if I was better you wouldn't do this" and it's my fault and my just keep trying harder and harder and I don't honestly think I can or even want to live without you.When I finally get sick of you doing all of this to me and get upset or ignore you you turn it on me and say oh your going to go talk to other people etc etc and he makes it to where I'm begging crying for you back and then acts very distant and talks to other people and it's a terrible terrible cycle and I know its so unhealthy but I keep wanting so badly to make it work and oh maybe in his next relationship if she never messes up they will have the relationship I always wanted with him and oh what would happen if I just started trying to be absolutely perfect for him give him everything he wants because if I don't someone else will but I love him so so much hes the only guy I've ever dated,been with,kissed,had sex with anything.Idk what to do.This is killing me slowly.