Depression & TTC

**possible trigger warning**

I don’t even really know where to start this.

I don’t think I even WANT input, yes it’s nice but I think this is more of a vent.

I haven’t been “trying” for long (not ACTIVELY trying not preventing) it’s been about 10mos.

My issue is that I’ve had 5 chemical pregnancies, none of them going longer than 5 weeks. This last cycle was the 5th & the hardest by far. I also don’t have insurance atm due to my job cutting back my hours so now I don’t meet the qualifications.

13DPO took a test on a whim & got a pink faint line surprisingly. & then tested again today CD1 or 15DPO (before the arrival) & it was negative & my heart sank.

August, September, October, January & March.

No, I may not have been as far along as you may have been w/ a loss but it is still a loss & I am still just as heart broken.

I feel like I’m being punished w/ these? Like why me? Why after everything I have been through in my near 23 years of life. Am I not good enough to be a momma? Did I do something bad in a past life? Do I not deserve it?

To top it all off my boyfriends best friend got a girl pregnant on accident right after they met & now I have to go to dinner w/ them knowing that I’m not pregnant & probably never will be. I am not mad @ them for creating life regardless if it was accidental. I’m envious, & that isn’t a good thing to be feeling I know that. Just because that baby was accidental doesn’t mean it isn’t loved or wanted & I am happy for them! I wish them all the best but I want that. I want it so bad I feel empty.

I’m hurt & lost & feel like I have nothing to live for.