I can't do this anymore.

I'm ruining my fucking marriage. I am so unhappy, and hostile. I hate myself so much, everything I do. I fucking snap all the time and I can't help it. I've been trying so hard to get better, and do better, be better and I fucking can't. I'm a piece of shit. I snap over small stuff, I say shit I don't mean when I'm mad, I can't look into the mirror without crying. Small fights seem like the end of the world to me, because I feel so fucking stupid for even getting mad afterwards. Small shit, and big shit all triggers suicidal thoughts. I can't find a psychiatrist taking new patients, and I don't have insurance yet anyways haven't for 2 years now but will soon. It's just been so hard, I'm so close to giving up. My husband deserves so much better than me. I don't think I'll ever be good enough. Fuckkkk.