Im 21 weeks pregnant with my third. My first is almost 4 years old and my second is 8 months old. I wasn’t trying to get pregnant. I was on birth control but still it happened.

I wasn’t excited about it when I found out. When I saw the pregnancy test turn positive I was just numb. No good or bad feelings, i had no idea how I felt. My youngest was only 4 months old at the time. My partner said he preferred if i had an abortion but would support whatever decision I made. A week later I told myself I would get an abortion. I was only 6 weeks and told myself I could do it if I was still early on. It wasn’t an easy decision to come to as I had two previous losses. One at 13 weeks and another at 22 weeks, but I told myself it was the logical thing to do. The day of my appointment I couldn’t go through with it. I postponed and kept postponing until I was 12 weeks. It was then that I decided that however unplanned I could do this. I couldn’t have an abortion because ending a pregnancy on purpose with no real medical reason for it seemed unthinkable (for me at least). I did do some research on adoption but giving away my childrens sibling was out of the question. So I followed through with being pregnant.

But now I sometimes wish I would’ve just had the abortion at 6 weeks. It would’ve been easier in a way. I feel lost. There are times where I think Im okay with being pregnant and even get a bit excited but most of the time I wish i wasn’t pregnant. I don’t really feel attached to her (it’s a girl), I look at my growing stomach and feel disgusted, I feel her kick and I just want to cry. I dont know what’s wrong with me. I had told my partner I wanted another girl but in a few years.

I know I shouldn’t care about the timing, I should just be happy and accepting of this baby. Part of me does think everything happens for a reason but I cant bring myself to be happy about this. I want nothing more for my pregnancy to just be over already, but the thought of having three kids scares me. Especially since my youngest will only have just turned a year old when she’s born. In a perfect world I would have never gotten pregnant again, but I did. And now i dont know what to do. Obviously this baby is here to stay, im just having a hard time accepting it.

Has anyone else felt this way about being pregnant? Did it go away? Did it get worse? Did it all make sense once you actually saw your baby? I was so happy with my last two pregnancies because I actually tried for them, but this is new to me. Please no judgement. I feel horrible as it is.