I am already expecting what most of the comments to this post will be but, I’d like the chance to post anyway.

Throughout this I by no means believe that cheating is ok and there are no excuses.

I was in a relationship with my first boyfriend for 5 years. The first three years, amazing - we were so happy with each other. Then we had a little surprise, we were pregnant! We weren’t trying at this time so were shocked, excited and 100 other emotions all at the same time. We decided to keep the baby and went for our scans together, started buying the cutest outfits and necessities and everything was great.

At 5 months, I was at work and started bleeding, I called the NHS advice line and they said I had to go to the hospital within 2 hours and they would be expecting me. I arrived at one hospital and the doctor did a quick check, said everything seemed ok but I should come back on Monday (two days later) for a scan. We got in the car to go back home which was an hours drive away. We were about half way when I felt a sudden drop in my stomach, I was bleeding so heavy that I soaked a sanitary pad, my trousers and his car seat in about 5 minutes. We got to his and I went to the bathroom to clean up, heartbroken as I just knew it was too late, before we went to another hospital nearer his house. We got to the A&E department and they did some more tests, scans and told us that our baby had passed and I had to give birth to them. The rest of this night is a blur to me.

After this, we cried together but found it hard to speak to each other about how we felt. Our relationship started to break down and things had changed between us. One night we argued and he hit me, he’d never done this before. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. He promised he would never do it again and he didn’t know what had come over him, I believed him.

Things were good for a couple of months but then we started to argue again. Then there was another hit, then he hit my head against a wall until I fell to the floor when he started kicking me in the stomach. This wasn’t the man I fell in love with and had hoped to have a family with. I was broken from loosing our child and didn’t have the willpower to stop things. I thought we could still get back to that man one day. I honestly don’t think he knew how to handle loosing our child either. This continued for two years.

The last year of our relationship, I had confided in an old friend (we had a crush on each other years before but it never went anywhere) who had always protected and supported me in times of need. I made him promise he wouldn’t approach my then boyfriend (they didn’t know each other but of each other), so he would pick me up from near my house when I needed to get away. We became close and would talk for hours about anything and everything, it took my mind off of being at the place I called home and the mess going on inside.

I’d started looking at places I could live to get away but my ex had always controlled our money and I didn’t have much in savings for a deposit and I didn’t want to let my family know what was going on. Every time I found a place, my ex would change and go back to the man I loved and I would stay.

One night my friend picked me up after another argument and told me he’d started developing feelings. I told him I was just here as a friend but appreciated all the help he had given me. We kept getting closer and a few months later he kissed me, I know at that point I should have pulled away. But, I didn’t. I kissed him back and things went from there. I feel awful still to this day, I’d betrayed my first love, the father to my angel.

I told my then boyfriend what had happened, knowing what would be coming next. He beat me to inches of my life but this time I know i deserved it for what I did. I moved out and got my own place, this was now two years ago. I still feel the same guilt I felt that day two years on and no matter what I try to do, I can’t stop feeling this way. It eats me up everyday knowing how much I hurt him. I struggle with relationships now as I know karma will get me back one day for cheating. I doubt anyone new who gets close as I believe they will only cheat on me as it’s what I deserve.

To anyone who has had the thought of cheating ever cross their mind, don’t do it. For your partner but also for yourself.