Rant (**please don’t judge**) leave advise Please!

So I was dating my bestie. I got pregnant, he met my family and I lost it in panic. I had an abortion because I was convinced him and I couldn’t handle it. It was the hardest saddest thing I’ve ever done! I still don’t know if it was really decision. But I broke up with him shortly after and we didn’t talk much for a month. We started talking everyday again as friends again.. well I got soo jealous he made out with this other girl. He came over and we caught up in several ways. Now my head is all twisted because I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship right now, but I love him.