i don’t want my baby - (long ass rant but please 🙏🏽)

(don’t know what group to put this in)

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i’m 6 months pregnant and the father is a terrible person so i’ve been on my own in this other than my bff. my parents just found out; which went better than expected. except my dad told me a should’ve aborted it and my mom was sad i didn’t tell her earlier. but i mean i had just tried to kms a few months before i got pregnant and they were really mean the whole time after - so why would i? i told them i was planning to give it up for adoption and had been in contact with a family for some time now... my mom was adopted by a racist & abusive family from an orphanage in a poor country so understandably she wasn’t very found of the idea.

my father however went on a long rant about how terrible of a person giving up my baby would make me and that in this case i “might as well just gotten an abortion because adoption is worse than killing it”. he said i was being selfish to him and my family, that they’d never get to experience being grandparents to my first child.

even if i was keeping it i wouldn’t want him around it. he was emotionally and physically abusive growing up. he would do shit like go out with his friends and get himself food everyday when me and my 4 siblings would be at home hungry with no food in the house for months straight at a time because my mom was the only one with a job and couldn’t even afford to keep light on..... we got beat over everything and my mom never stepped in but always claimed she wanted out for her kids - i finally got a safe way to get her out the situation BUT she lied on me and made my other siblings lie to and almost got me sent to juvie. and the relationships have pretty much been the same up to recently. and i’m sorry but i don’t want anyone like that around ANY CHILDREN.... let alone my own.

after doing this in my own for 6 months and the father called me trying to apologize, we had been staying together and he stole my money and left one day while i was at work and never came back (which honestly might have been God because i need a way out of that). so after a lot of arguing i ended up blocking him. i didn’t find out until i was about 2 months... but he’s a drug addict, a sex offender, steals from his family & friends, and when he was younger he set his house on fire with his family inside (and that’s not even the half of it). i was already afraid of him before and thinking about getting a restraining order but after finding out something actually is wrong with him i dread the idea of ever even seeing him again.

sorry for the long ass rant but i just wanted you to be able to get the biggest idea of the picture as possible.

so basically don’t get me wrong... i’d do whatever i needed to do what’s best for my baby but keeping it just doesn’t seem like an option. because on top of all of that i’m only 19, in college, have no money, and just don’t have the emotional availability to raise a kid. i don’t want it. i don’t want to raise it. i feel bad because i know my mom wants me to keep it & the fathers mother is excited but it just seems like everyone is thinking about themselves and not me or the baby.

everyone thinks i’m giving it up for adoption just because it’d make my life easier and i don’t want to put in the effort. ofc it’s way deeper than that. nothings ever that simple.

i wanted to keep it so bad up to a couple months ago. but i cried myself to sleep every night knowing that it’d be selfish of me to put a child in that position. that the baby couldn’t get anything they needed from me — i just recently came to the decision of adoption and it wasn’t easy. i’m still having 2nd thoughts.

so would i be wrong to give it up anyways? even though my parents and the fathers parents want it🤷🏽‍♀️