Sometimes I hate being a mom....

I start to wonder why I ever decided kids was a good idea. I had a horrible childhood with a mother who wasn’t present, was manipulative, mentally abusive, and seemed to not care at all about me unless it was something she could get attention for. Things haven’t changed she still acts this way. I had no good mother figure growing up. No good example of what to do or how to act. Why did I ever think I would be a good mother?

I’m not a good mom. I loose my temper, I yell, I have spanked, I have walked away and let him cry, I’m everything I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be a calm and patient mom but I failed.

He won’t sleep longer then 3 hrs unless I’m holding him and honestly I just want some time alone, to myself, just to do what I want. He won’t eat unless he’s not in the high chair or sitting, he will only eat if he’s running around playing. And I let him because otherwise he won’t eat and I can’t take one more conversation with the doctor about his weight gain or lack there of.

I gave up everything to be a mom, i gave up who I was. I don’t workout anymore, I don’t read or draw, I don’t see my friends, i don’t work on goals or dreams, i don’t wear make-up or do my hair, hell some weeks I don’t shower or shave. I couldn’t even tell you the last time I had sex, we barely even talk or see each other. I just exist day to day, and some days I have fantasies of horrific events where I die.

I love him but some days ... I just want to be alone, I don’t want to have to deal with him, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to hear him cry or scream, I don’t want to pick up toys or clean up after him. I don’t want to fight to get him to eat or sleep. Some days I just hate being a mom.