It’s been two months now since I gave birth. It’s extremely hard for me to talk about, but maybe talking about it will make it easier.

I was induced starting on the 18th it February. Everything was going fine. I was only 1cm dilated when we got to the hospital at 1am, so they put a balloon in me to expand my uterus (I’m not too sure how it works lol) but once it got to 5cm, I got my epidural sometime after dilated past that, and then they started the pitocin. I think? You’ll see why I don’t remember soon. Anyways Around 11pm on the 19th, I feel my water break in the bed. They check me and sure enough I’m 10cm, so they get everything set up. I told them I need to push cause I feel a ton of pressure. My husband and other nurses are holding my legs back so I can push, which was hard but eventually the epidural wore off my whole left side. I felt like my body couldn’t do it. It was so much pressure I was crying. Finally after 15 minutes (felt like 20 hours) she came out, 9lb 8oz, huge. Born 2-19-20 11:55pm .They lay her in my chest but I become extremely weak. They take her and they start getting my placenta out.

⚠️TW⚠️

I start hemorrhaging. Really bad. They cant stop the bleeding. This is where it’s hard for me to say. I had so many midwives and doctors hands shoving stuff up into my uterus... Some type of ballon. I was screaming bloody murder. I just kept screaming my lungs off. I couldn’t stop. I physically couldn’t stop. Birth was nothing compared to that pain. Then the mail doctor came, he had huge hands. He was in my uterus shoving things in it for 10 more minutes. My husband was crying and had to leave the room until they were done. He heard my screams from the waiting room. Everyone heard me screaming. I couldn’t imagine what they thought. How annoying I might have been. It was absolutely traumatic, because of assault I’ve had in my childhood, it brought me back to that too.

Anyways I lost 2 liters of blood, and after them putting stuff in me I don’t remember anything. Until about 8am the next day. I still had the balloon thing in, and a catheter. I was in the mother and baby unit 2 days later finally. I had to get 2 blood transfusions, and 2 days after that I got to go home. But then about a week and a half later, I ended up in the E.R with postpartum preeclampsia. I had to get magnesium sulfate treatments and was admitted into the mother baby unit again, after 12 hours of not seeing my baby because they said she shouldn’t be in the ER due to the virus (it wasn’t as big as it is now) but she eventually got to come stay with me, as did my husband. This stay totally ruined my breastfeeding. I had barely any supply after leaving the hospital. First, I had a ct scan before I got admitted so I had to take contrast (they tried to rule out what my pain and stuff could be) I had upper spinal pain, and they thought it might be a blood clot but after everything all the tests I had postpartum preeclampsia. ANYWAYS. I couldn’t breastfeed for 24hours after taking the contrast. So, while I was in magnesium sulfate, it makes you extremely drowsy. I mean you feel absolutely drugged. So I couldn’t even pump because I was in and out of sleep then whole 2 days I was there. I’m now diagnosed with PTSD And postpartum depression. I never thought I’d be this way, but I love my daughter with all my heart. She’s worth it, even if I almost died twice. (I could’ve died from the postpartum preeclampsia the ER said) here’s my now 2 month, sassy, beautiful girl. Esme Rose 🌹

Her birth pics :

Her now : 2 months old