Idk what to do, need advice

I know no one can tell me what to do, but I guess I’m just hoping for some unbiased advice/opinions

I was in a toxic relationship for about three years. By toxic i mean he would get drunk and high constantly and would always act aggressively toward me. He left me with bruises more times than i can count but somehow I always felt the one at fault. He cheated on me and would spin it back on me. Towards the end I will admit i cheated once too but It was literally a one time thing with someone I randomly met. Im not sure why i did it. I think it was a way to get back at him and I thought it’d help me leave him. I felt and still do feel stupid for it. It wasnt the answer.

Anyway as you can see our relationship was a mess and toxic. After we ended things I thought I’d feel free and better, but for some reason I felt the opposite. I felt empty without him and like i needed him. Like i needed the abuse. Maybe i had just grown accustom to it and felt that’s what I deserved. So i started hooking up with him again. It made things worse. He treated me worse as if that was possible. Idk why it was hard to walk away even though i knew it wasn’t love and wasnt right.

Well as if things couldn’t get messier I found out I was pregnant. I felt numb seeing those two lines come up. I told him and he said i should have an abortion but he would understand if i couldnt. I should add that when we were still together about a year and a half into our relationship I lost a daughter at 23 weeks. He wasnt there for me when i lost her which is another reason I should’ve left sooner. But anyway I didnt know what to do. I didnt want a baby brought into all this mess between the father and i. That’s no environment for an innocent child. But the loss I suffered before makes me feel so guilty of possibly having an abortion. A few days after I found out I was pregnant, my ex passed away unexpectedly.

Needless to say it’s a very confusing time for me. Idk what im feeling or why Im feeling this way. Even though we were far from right for each other i still feel this huge loss. I feel like nothing makes sense. And on top of that I now have a huge decision to make and im not sure what to do. If he were still here I don’t think i would have this baby. I wouldnt want it growing up in the middle of all the bad history between my ex and I. And i know a baby would make things a lot more complicated between us. I would most likely have gone through with the abortion if he were here despite my previous loss. But he isnt here and part of me feels like I have a responsibility to bring this life into the world because it’s the last thing he left behind. And i do want a baby, i really do. I think of the daughter I lost and i would do anything to get her back or have a chance to be a mom again. He’s not around so as horrible as it may sound i wouldnt have to worry about dealing with his bs or anything like that. I just dont know if i can have his baby after everything he put me through. And the thought of my baby growing up without a dad makes me so sad for them. Im just at a loss.