Dear Nicholas,

It been 1 year, 2 months, and 26 days since I last heard your voice. I never knew that was going to be the last time I’d speak with you. I didn’t know two days before, would be the last time I saw you, got to hold your hand, or the last time I’d get to hug and kiss you. I miss that. I miss you. Everywhere I go, there’s memories of us. Our first apartment. The times we’d walk down town. The park, where you proposed and where we got married. And where we always went to meet to reconcile after a silly breakup. Oliver is growing up fast. I wish you could see him. God, you would have been such a great dad. That’s why I always wanted a family with you. Thank you for stepping up and being his father for those three months and well, even the months I was pregnant you were already spoiling him. I really wish you could see him.

Although, I guess you do see him. Thank you for leaving the blue balloon behind the bear holding your picture on Ollie’s first birthday. You always knew how to surprise me and you always put so much thought into things. I always admired that. I wish I knew what I know now. I would have been a better gf, wife, a better ex wife, a better gf, a better fiancé. Ha, we were complicated weren’t we? And yet we were perfect for each other. We always came back together. And our feelings never changed. Those three years we had been divorced made me realize I was dumb for irrationally accusing you of cheating. I know I said it before but I am so sorry I did that. I know you were sorry for the things you done to me too. I’m glad we over came those issues. I am so proud of you.

I really don’t understand why you didn’t go to the hospital. I’m so sorry I fell asleep when you texted me about your leg. Ollie fell asleep, and I was exhausted. And I assumed you had a Charlie horse. But it wasn’t that. I would do anything to back in time and just not fall asleep. If I knew, I’d have made you go to the ER. But you had to know something was wrong. I hope you just didn’t give up. I lost my dog months before this and we lost your dad. Then, I lost you too. For months, I thought I was going to die the way my chest felt. I had finally beat my eating disorder, about two weeks before I lost you. And I relapsed really bad. Lost 60lbs. But I eat, you know how I was before. I just feel so empty. You filled that emptiness. You were my anchor. You kept me steady. I’m still struggling. I fight back. But sometimes things are just too much.

You should see what’s going on in the world now. It’s crazy. I get really upset when I see people complain about being stuck quarantined with their husband. I’d do anything if I could be quarantined with you :(

You know I love Disney and Oliver loves Mickey Mouse. And I know a lot of people will assume I’m crazy. Which I kinda am, but I know this was you. I walked down an aisle at the store and this just grabbed my eye out of nowhere and I saw the word wife. Idk why it just stuck out. And plus you got me a card a couple weeks before you passed away that said you were proud to have me as I wife (even though I feel like I failed you) I know this had to have been a sign from you:

I teared up when I saw it.

I hope you visit me in my dreams more often. I enjoyed the random trip to the mall to find you a shirt dream 😂 and the dream with you knocking on the door, running in smiling and giving me a hug while saying you weren’t sick anymore. I was depressed after that one... but I’m glad you are no longer suffering. I just wish I wasn’t suffering now. I miss you. I feel like a big chunk of me is gone.

Right now, we should be cuddled up in our own home, with a cat and a pug named Winchester that you wanted. And Oliver’s first words would probably have been da da since you were trying to get him to say it even at 2 months lol. I miss you.

I know you wouldn’t want me to be alone. I’ve tried dating and it’s awful. There are so many pervs. Even the so called Christians. You were NEVER like that. You waited. I remember the first time you held my hand. We were watching a movie at the theater and our hands touched. They kept touching. Then yours got really shaky so I just grabbed your hand. Lol. That is when I felt something. I could never keep a conversation going with anyone. But boy did I talk your head off. You even asked me “I thought you were shy?” Haha. Then you kept making fun of me when I tried to explain a scar on my finger. I called the handlebars of a bike the “steering thingy.” 🙈 holding your hand though, that’s a big thing I miss. You hear people talk about sex and physical attraction of multiple people. I don’t think they’ve ever held hands with their soul mate. You were my soul mate.

I hope you are enjoying Heaven. Tell your dad and papaw I said Hi. And give my Aunt and Paris a hug for me. Tell Paris I love her and miss her too. She will always be my first baby.

I love you, so, so, so very much. And I mean it, please visit more often. It’s really not going to scare me. I’d do anything just to hug you.

Love always,

Your wife❤️