I don't care if I sound like a horrible person, I just have to say this somehow.

I am in a serious relationship and I don't see it ending. I see myself getting proposed to with a ring that I hate, but would have to pretend to love. I see us getting married and I see myself in my wedding dress hiding in a bathroom and crying. I don't know why, but it's the only way I can see it. He is a great person, and doesn't give me a reason to feel this way, but I do. It's just that I have done so much for him, and I hate myself for it. I've thrown away my hopes and dreams, to live his. I see myself as a shadow, not as a person. If I could go back, I would change so much.

I wish he chased me instead of me desperately chasing him. I wish for him to look at me like I'm special. I wish he saw me sexually. I wish we had chemistry. I wish he was alive and full of energy. I wish he put in some effort to please me. I wish he did more for me for birthdays and anniversaries. I wish he give me a special treatment. I wish that he wasn't so selfish.

I wish for his family to be friendly and kind. I wish for a MIL who is like my best friend and a second mother. I wish that his relatives were pleased to meet me and welcoming and not just ignore me when we met. I wish for his parents to look at me as a person and not just his property. I wish I was treated like a human (by them).

I wish he had friends who like me. I wish he wasn't so socially distanced from the rest of the world. I wish to go on date nights with other people. I wish I could have a social life. I wish he took me out on special nights.

I wish to have new experiences and not feel like I gave away my life.