Yes, this is almost a month late! I realized yesterday that I hadn’t bought a planner yet

Katie • 🧬Unexplained Infertility 💉IVF Jan‘19 👶🏻Baby on Board Oct’19 ❤️Blogging 🌸Gardening 🌎World Travel ✉️ 📍Based in Gilbert,AZ
Yes, this is almost a month late! I realized yesterday that I hadn’t bought a planner yet for this year. That’s how much I’ve been on survival mode and living life day by day through pregnancy instead of planning ahead like I usually do 😳 (The people who know me outside of Instagram - pick your jaws up off the floor!) So I replaced my @the_happy_planner with one of the very last clearance ones on the shelf. What #plannerbabe forgets to buy a replacement for the new year??? One who has been thrown completely off track. My productivity and planning have majorly suffered, I completely forgot about a Super Bowl party we host every year until last Sunday someone asked if we were still hosting this year. My friends remembered before I did, and I almost scheduled other stuff for that Sunday. I had to google when it was and who was playing 🤦🏻‍♀️. Normally I would have seen this on last year’s calendar as I transferred stuff over. But right now, planning ahead is still scary. We haven’t had our anatomy scan yet, so we don’t know if there are any major problems with Baby F, and we aren’t to 24 weeks viability, so there is still a chance of losing her. And I think that’s why I just stopped planning all together. Because it doesn’t feel safe to plan yet. I’m still holding my breath. This isn’t a constant fear, all day anxiety situation, but #infertility makes you so aware of what can go wrong, and unfortunately you see it happen to your #ivfsisters all the time. So I’m still cautious. Even as I enjoy feeling little kicks and movement, I’m so aware it could stop before I see her smile at me. And after a year of having to be so scheduled and planned out with <a href="">IVF</a>, honestly it felt good to live in the moment for a while! Buying the planner also made me reflect over 2019 (I know most of you were doing this 29 days ago, but I’m late to the party). Last year wasn’t the most challenging year of my life, that was losing my brother to suicide in 2016, but it comes in second. It taught me so much about what I’m capable of, how to let go of control, and introduced me to so many other amazing #infertilitywarriors. Hello 2020, I’m finally ready to start making tentative plans!