****TW: MENTIONS OF SELF HARM!! AND SUICIDE***

I genuinely hope this post isn’t against the rules, if it is I will promptly take it down if I receive any comments telling me so. I just need some place to really let this out because I feel terrible. Today has truly broken me, or better yet these last few months. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life, I’ve always had anger issues and probably a myriad of other things. I got diagnosed with ADD and depression at age 6, on and off since then I’ve struggled to keep it under control. When I was 14 I started cutting myself, When I was 16 I really spiraled and I attempted suicide by overdosing on anti-depressants and I didn’t stop cutting until I was almost 21. For years I’ve resisted the urge to do it again, no matter how bad things got, I didn’t do it. Until today. All day today I was frustrated and angry, I kept losing my patience with my kids and I had to keep separating myself from them to cool down but it wasn’t working. I even tried just yelling into my pillow and just letting out my frustration however I could that wouldn’t affect my kids but after I put my youngest to nap and I gave my oldest a snack while she watched tv, I went to the bathroom, broke a disposable razor and I hurt myself. I cried and cried and all I could think was “I can’t do this anymore.” Today was the first time in 6+ years that I’ve done this, I’ve had such a good streak up until today and it’s been weighing so heavily on me. These last few months have broken me as a person, all the devastation with the virus and thousands upon millions of deaths, the constant worry that it’ll keep spreading until I can’t avoid it. The being trapped indoors unless I absolutely have to go out (for food etc.) and just feeling stuck in this huge loop. I honestly downplayed how this would affect me thinking I would be fine but I’m clearly not, I wanted to stop myself but it felt like my body was on autopilot and I just did it. I just want to be happy, I want to be okay and I don’t know how. I try talking to my mom because she’s usually there for me but she just thinks I’m supposed to get over it and start loving myself at the drop of a hat. I told her it isn’t that easy but all I got was a snarky comment about how I “like” hating myself. Thanks a lot, Mom. I talked to my husband about it and thankfully he showed more compassion, I didn’t tell my mom I self-harmed because all she would do is get angry and probably tell me that I’d get my kids taken away, basically she’d make it worse. My husband has tried to support me through all this but I don’t want to burden him, I don’t want it all to fall on his shoulders but I don’t have a lot of people to turn to. Honestly I’m so grateful for him. Anyway, I’m rambling, I just wanted to get this all off of my chest somewhere(hopefully) no one would judge me. Thanks for reading if you read this at all.