It was all worth it. *LONG POST*

I'll be the first to tell you that I hated my entire pregnancy. My husband and I planned a baby. I went through fertility medicine and boom! It happened. Here I was with the mindset that everything was going to be perfect. I was going to glow. All of that mushy stuff. Well... boy was I wrong.

Here. The day my life had changed. I found out I was pregnant in a Target bathroom. Man... the cry that came from my mouth was so foreign. It frightened me. I didn't expect the medicine to work thay fast, but it did! This was probably the last happy day I would experience.

A week after this picture, I spent 4 hours in the ER with the most painful cramps someone could experience. Cramps thay felt like lightening through my back. I always hyperventilated when I had them because it was so scary to me. The hospital sent me on with the expectation of having a miscarriage. My world came crumbling! I was so hurt. So distracted. Two weeks after this picture, I got fired from my job. Yeap. I said it. Fired! Because I was more worried about my unborn that I became careless. It left the biggest slap in my face after being told I would never be able to conceive.

This was the first time I seen my baby. There. He was still there. I was so relieved! That it wasn't a dream. Here I was... unemployed, but happy.

I wish I could tell you that everything went well from this point, but it doesn't. I guess the delayed reaction from being fired had sat in because I was so depressed. I was dealing with morning sickness and headaches. So much I hid from the world. I put on the fakest smile just to make it. Hospital bills started to stack up. A strain was placed between my husband and I. From being denied pregnamcy medicaid FIVES TIMES, being without work for three months, to having to move in with his parents after out lease was up, to me eventually moving out into my aunts to work an hour away. The depression grew... and grew. I was stuck balancing a home and work life on the road. I cried so much. I won't go into details, but it was a nightmare.

Boom! Here's one of the last pictures I took before he came. It was hot. My feet were ate up from bugs. I couldn't sleep. So much drama with this new job of mine. It was too much.

Sidenote: look at my feet. 😭

Back to my story... I was at my wits ends with it. I counted the weeks down when I could be unpregnant again. I couldn't wait. Sadly enough... I didn't realize that there was more power in the tongue then I knew.

The night before I started going into labor... 8 weeks early. I suspect that my child had decided he was tired of me as much as I was tired of him. So we did the damn thang! 18 hours later... after my blood pressure bottomed out on Fetanyl, after the agony of the contractions and the heat of the delivery... he was born. Due to his gestational age and for safety measures, I was only allowed to hold him for exactly 60 seconds. Long enough for the placenta to stop pulsing. Once it was done, the staff cleaned him up and took him away with his cry trailing the hallway.

I was left in the delivery room for the medicine to cycle through my system. I was happy that he was here, but concerned for his health since he was early. I wondered what he looked like. Everyone kept telling me that he had the prettiest head of hair. That he looked like me. I didn't know what to expect. My mind wandered away with excitement to officially meet him.

Two hours have passed and it was time. Time for us to meet face-to-face. I was so nervous. You would think I was going in for a job interview. Here below... is the first time I seen my child.

There he was. This 4lb baby that I just delivered. Looking at him helped me accept the reality that I was offically a mother. Oh shit... now I had this baby to raise. All of the depression came back for a split second until I heard him move around and coo. His voice is what centered me. His eyes shown that he needed me even if I wasn't ready for him. For that, I put that depression aside and dedicated myself to being the best mother this little boy needed. No... I didn't instantly fall in love, but I didn't wish any harm on him. I knew he was mine. I knew I was responsible for him. I knew I could grow to love him. It was just in that moment that I didn't think anything of him to be honest. Just indifferent.

You may ask why I wrote this senseless post. It's not because I want any kind of credit or attention. It's because I want to remind other mothers that it's ok to hate the process, but to love your child. It's ok to not instantly fall head over heels in love. I'm writing this to remind you that you're no longer alone. You have a new set of eyes looking at you, admiring you, and depending on you. If no one has ever givem you the love you needed, you have a chance the gain that love now and to also give it to someone. Your child. Your little mini-me or whatever nickname you call them.

Here we are. 9 months into this mother-son relationship of ours. I think I'm getting the hang of being a mother. I may not know the answers or be able to afford the latest products and that's ok. He doesn't need material, he needs a mother. Not a perfect one, but one that love and support him through thick and thin. Well... here I am.

Hang in there. It'll be worth it in the end. Don't be too hard on yourself, Mama. It's ok to take a break. It's ok to cry. Just remember you're not alone. Keep up the good work.