Dear you

I don’t even know what to say to you. You ripped my heart out of my chest too many times to count. I loved you with my entire heart until you ripped it to pieces one too many times.

You told me I was stupid... dumb.... ignorant... nobody likes me.... you touched me in ways I didn’t want to. You said... if you loved me you would... and I listened. Why? I loved you. Loved. Past tense. You hurt me. You left bruises on my arm. You threatened to kill me.

I was depressed. I was locked up in my own mind holding pills in my hands too many nights to count while you were sound asleep. All I wanted was for the pain to end and to see my dad again. I was afraid to tell you.

It’s funny, while you did all that another guy told me I was funny... smart... sweet.... very charismatic.

You hate me for no reason. I told you it was done before anything happened. Before he made me feel loved. I told you we couldn’t be together. I found my way out and I knew he’d protect me from you. I knew he would.

Finally I wasn’t afraid of getting hurt by you. I knew he would never let you touch me again. I knew it. My heart won’t hurt anymore. My heart, it feels safe. Safe from any harm.

Yet... it’s not. Here you are, I’ve blocked you out of my life and you came back. Back for what? For me? For revenge? What do you not get by we can’t work? We can’t. We just can’t.

I warned her. I told her you were nothing but abusive to me. I told her you were charming at first until you pull a 180 and become a monster. Sure, you kept me warm sometimes but how many times does keeping me warm seem better than the countless nights you left me in the cold. In the cold and in the dark.

Here she is. Naive. She believes you. I’m a monster. I’m lying to her. I’m deceiving her. I’m deceiving everyone. I’m a horrible person. I am. I am. I am. Now what? Are you happy? Are you happy you have someone to control again? Maybe you don’t even want her. Maybe you’re trying to get to me through her. Maybe you don’t want me to have anyone to turn to. Maybe.

Maybe I’m not all those things. Maybe I’m too strong for you. Maybe I’m too independent. Maybe I’m too confident. Maybe.

I don’t care. I don’t care about you and I don’t care about her. I care about me. I care about my family. I care about him. I don’t care about you. I don’t.

Leave me alone as you did all those other nights. Leave me in the dark. This time, don’t be mad that someone else brought me a light. A light you can’t have.