I have been struggling with anxiety and depression since i was in the 4th grade. As of now there's also CPTSD, and my depression is classified as Major Depressive Disorder with triats of Bipolar Disorder. I have had a rough childhood with sexual abuse, and emotional abuse primarily, but with emotional and sexual abuse comes mental abuse because i started attacking and hating myself.

Regardless of how the world is right now, which gives me anxiety too sometimes causes anxiety attacks, I know i would still be struggling badly, that just worsens it at times.

It is so hard some days, everyday recently, to maintain a good and healthy demeanor for the sake of my sanity and not slipping into a very dark mindset and also for the sake of my relationship with my fiancé. I feel like im stuck in a staticky TV at times and im not living, just flicking through staticky stations, PTSD flashbacks and all the anxiety inducing "what if" scenarios I could possibly think of. I don't know how to feel better, especially nowadays. I have no money, im stuck in my toxic household with my mom, stepdad and 1 of my older brothers, i have few friends but idk why i feel too sad to reach out to them because i dont want to be a downer..., i never know when i can see my fiancé in person because of self isolation/quarantine, i am running out of things to do to cope and distract. I feel like im spiralling and i feel terrible sometimes talking to my partner about it because he hears about this stuff a lot from me already and i get tired of hearing myself say how anxious or sad or confused i feel...I'm so miserable. And what sucks is that I know i have a few things to be happy about but i somehow still find the shit in every situation no matter how hard i try to stay positive. Having insomnia along with everything else is just the cherry on top too...

(I'm not on meds anymore, I dont fully trust myself around them after an attempt years ago. I learned to manage my mental state without them and was told I didnt have to take them anymore if I felt comfortable but after having a mental breakdown in December 2019 that got me put on Short term disability and then leading to me having to quit, I haven't been able to get back on track and things have been on a steady decline.. from money problems, trouble with finding therapy, facing old trauma flashbacks, and now the pandemic)