my mind is killing me.

im sorry to the people reading this who hate when people don’t use proper grammar/capitalized letters. this is probably something you won’t want to read lol which i doubt anyone will but idc i need to say all of this to someone, anyone.

on this day 4 months ago was the last time i talked to my absolute best friend. i cry almost every time i even think about her or what happened. im trying not to cry as i type this so i can see. things have been so hard without her. i have no one to talk to anymore about the things im too embarrassed, shy, or scared to say. she knew everything about me. she knew about the things i’ve been through and experienced some of them with me. i hate to use this phrase i know she’s cringing at me rn💀 but she was my rock in every sense. i’ve been so depressed the past couple of months i relapsed (i was almost one year clean). when something was wrong i would go to her before my boyfriend bc she just knew me better. she knew what to say when i was having a panic attack, she knew what to do when i was too anxious to think clearly, she knew how to get me out of bed when i was too depressed to move and she never had to try. she was my best for almost 11 years. i thought i would have her in my life forever...i know that was naive of me to think. i genuinely believed that there was no possibility that she could die. every morning i wake up there is a moment where i don’t remember what happened to her, her mom and our friend lela (who was also my boyfriends brothers girlfriend). i relive what happened to them in my head almost everyday. im so afraid that im going to slowly forget billie and all the things we’ve done together. im so mad about the things we never got to do together. every day that goes by things just get worse and worse. i miss her so much. she’s the only person who could truly help me through all of this and she’s not here. the morning i found out what happened i barely cried. i’ve never felt that much pain in my entire life. my whole body hurt and i felt like my chest was going to be crushed. i immediately started holding everything in like i used to and i couldn’t stop. i am getting better though. i cry almost every single day trying to imagine what billie and lela went through that night. after willow, billies sister, told me what happened i can’t stop trying to put myself in that position. i feel so guilty bc i know that if me and my boyfriend hadn’t cancelled that night billie and lela would still be here. i know that for a fact. i know no one could have stopped what happened but i do know that if they had been with me, logan (my boyfriend), and jordan(boyfriends brother) they would be with us right now, or they would be at work, or at home, anywhere but dead.

everything that has been going on lately has made this harder on my mind. i feel empathy in a way i can’t explain. when i hear or read about something that has happened to someone i can see what happened and i can feel what happened as if it happened to me. my boyfriend doesn’t understand this. he doesn’t understand that I HAVE to use my privilege to my advantage to help others. i have to speak up for those who can’t. i can’t sit around and pretend that all of these horrible things happen to people who do not deserve that sort of treatment. i don’t want to talk about specific incidents right now even though i know that making our voices heard and standing ground is what needs to be done. im in no way trying to play the victim in ANY sort of way. im just tired. im so tired of being sad about shit that won’t immediately change, im so tired of shit not changing for the better. im so tired of missing billie, ms. Casey (billies mom who took me and lela in when we needed a mom the most), and lela. im so tired of seeing jordan, lexis (another friend), mckenna (another friend), and willow in so much pain. im so tired of keeping all this inside me.

im not looking for a friend. i just need someone to listen to me. i just need someone who will listen and not tell me that “things will get better”. i just need someone, anyone who will listen to me.

i needed to get this off my mind bc for months it has been eating me alive. i thought that i would be done grieving and that i would just be sad for the rest of my life. i hate that it’s not that simple. im so angry about what happened. (please no one say “it’s a part of God’s plan” or ANYTHING like that. i don’t want to hear it.) im so so so angry i can’t even stand myself. i can feel that im changing and i’ve worked so hard to change from who i used to be..im afraid that when i hit rock bottom i’ll start to destroy my life again. now i have things to lose and i care about shit. im so tired of constantly fighting myself. i just wish billie were here so i could talk to her about all the things that have happened since she’s been gone. whaaaa im sorry this is so long i just needed to vent :)

ps. if anyone wants to know about what happened to them feel free to ask. it helps me when i talk about it. the incident is very graphic though so that’s why i didn’t specifically say what happened in case anyone reading is sensitive to that sort of stuff.