My dear sweet boy

I got pregnant with you when I was young, 20 years old, I was scared, but I already loved you.

Your daddy left me because he was scared, but I promised that I would always love you.

When you were born I held you in my arms and I knew I would always love you.

You were 3 weeks early so you couldn't latch and we cried together and I chose to give you formula instead because I love you.

I watched you learn to talk so fast and were talking in sweet small sentences by the time you were 2 and it made me see how unique you were and it made me love you more.

I put you in preschool early because I wanted to give you every experience I possibly could because of how much I love you.

I saw you so full of energy and as sweet as could be, you never met a stranger and for that I love you.

You begged for a sibling because you wanted someone to play with but mommy and Dada weren't ready yet and we wanted to love you as much as we possibly could.

I knew you struggled to sit in your seat, but I knew that was ok because you are so little and just so full of energy! And still I love you for who you are.

"He's just being a boy" I get told daily as I start to worry about your growing anxieties and struggles because I love you.

I watched you struggle in sports to pay attention and cry because you got hit by a ball or your shoes were too tight. I just wanted you to have fun because I love you.

Now you're 5 years old, and mommy and Dada tell you you're going to be a big brother! I watched your eyes light up like a christmas tree on Christmas morning. And now I would love you both.

You went into kindergarten and still just as sweet as can be.. But we watched as you started to have a hard time.. When you couldn't figure out the answer you would cry, but you are so smart baby if you would just calm down you would figure it out! I love you so much I hate to see you sad.

Your brother was born, it wasn't what you expected. He couldn't walk and talk like you and took up alot of my attention. This was the first time I saw you lose it. I don't know what happened and I cried because I love you.

Now you're in first grade and the struggles really set in. You cried during class because you can't pay attention while the other kids are talking. The teacher gave you noise cancelling headphones but you still couldn't concentrate. I'm worried about you baby and I love you.

You started breaking down and hysterically crying when you did something wrong, is this normal for a 7 year old? I think there is something going on and we might need to see a doctor. I love you...

The teachers and the doctors think you have ADD baby... I started reading books and articles to see how I can help you... This is so hard my sweet boy but I love you and I'm going to help you however I can.

Today you got in trouble and became inconsolable and said you wished you were never born... I've never felt such heartache my sweet boy.. All I've ever wanted was the best for you... This is all my fault.

You're 7 years old and having these horrible thoughts... I'm trying to find you a doctor during this pandemic because I love you and want to make it better...

You're still that baby that crawled in my lap and I hugged so tight... Can we go back to those innocent times? I love you for always...

Mommy doesn't feel herself right now baby... I'm sorry I've failed you but I'm going to do better and I'm going to help you because I love you..

Please put these thoughts to rest.. You have the biggest piece of my heart and you are such a special boy... I love you for who you are... I'm sorry I can't take away the pain for you...

I promise I'm working on finding you someone to talk to.. Just hold tight and we'll work together..

I loved you then, I love you now, I'll love you forever. I promise.