I’m a pushover.. and I want to stop

I’m a very kind and generous person. I like people to know that I’m there for them and will help them in any way that I can. Maybe I overcompensate and am a little too nice. I would literally give the shirt off my back for someone. I give people the benefit of the doubt. Constantly.

I hate conflict. I get physically sick and anxious if I feel that I have conflict with another. I will often just not say anything even if I’m uncomfortable. (For example, I was using a friend’s blanket and she said “how do you like my cum-stained blanket?” And laughed. So I assumed she was joking and continued to use it... only later finding the stains. I was disgusted and uncomfortable but I never voiced it to her. She didn’t lie to me, but she did say it in a way that I thought she was joking).

I feel like I can’t voice my discomfort and I walk away from situations feeling drained, depressed, and angry. I’m angry that I was put into a situation that made me uncomfortable, but I’m more angry at myself for allowing it. When I’m put on the spot, I shut down. Today, I went to my friends sisters baby shower and a man she calls an apostle was there. I had a previous encounter with him where he called me out in front of her family and asked if I had been saved, and I didn’t stand up for myself and tell him it’s none of his business. She knows how uncomfortable he makes me feel, but she never discloses that he will be at family events until I’m already there. I found out he convinced a friend of hers to abstain from sex with her bf of 3 years, and she even moved out of their apartment because of it. They had conversations of seeing the dead, he told her she traveled to an international realm that made her understand Chinese, etc. When we were about to leave, he said he knows I’m warming up to him, he prayed for me everyday and he hoped to see me at church. I don’t even go to church. And all I could come up with was “I’ll check my schedule”. I was so uncomfortable. Why couldn’t I just tell him to leave me alone. Why can’t I be assertive???

I’m weak. I don’t know how to stand up for myself. I literally don’t. Maybe it’s from childhood abuse, sexual trauma in my adult life. I didn’t have a voice then, and I don’t have one now.

I can’t call people out when they disrespect me, when they ruin my things, when they hurt my feelings, when they don’t treat me right.

I want to be different, but I really don’t know how.

I know I might seem pathetic, so if anyone can give me some advice, how to work my way up, anything, I’d really appreciate it.