Am I cruel?

Trigger warning: this is just fucking depressing so beware. I’ve been taking care of a kitten, the only surviving kitten of a litter I lost to pneumonia. I have barely slept for 3 days, so that he can breathe.

I have done everything I possibly can. So has the vet.

Today, I picked him up and was about to start another feeding. He had a seizure and went limp while in my hands. He now is very weak and cannot stand up anymore.

This happened at 6 am and my vet doesn’t open until 8.

I had decided that I think it’s best to call when the vet opens and have him put to sleep. I sat with him just petting and holding him, and then he gained muscle control back in his neck. Now he has more control on the left side.

Part of me is seriously wondering if it makes me cruel. He’s a fighter, i mean holy crap. Pneumonia in kittens is extremely deadly even with full veterinary care and he has been fighting so hard.

He’s this little fighter so I’m torn between giving him a chance, or just taking him in and ending his suffering. it feels selfish of me to just let him go through that because of what I want. I want him to live, should he suffer for that? Of course not.

I am so tired, and so upset about this. I don’t think I can ever do this again. I tried so hard

The vet is going to recommend putting him down. Like there’s nothing else she can do, he is on a plethora of meds and treatments. I literally do not sleep, because Im doing everything I can to help him keep breathing. Nebulizer treatments and oxygen therapy. I even have an incubator he sits in.

I seriously can’t think of anything else we can do. The physical stress he has been through.. my god. I feel absolutely hopeless for him and that’s just the truth. I’ve never seen a creature this small be so severely sick and live this long.

At 8am I called the vet. 8am on the dot.

When I hung up the phone, i heard him crying so I picked him up. He died in my hands.