Still feel single

It’s my first relationship and it’s not what I thought it would be. I thought I’d go on dates and stay up until 4am texting each other and cute selfies and kisses. But instead I got canceled plans, left on delivered, only one picture of us from Homecoming, and awkward hugs. He’s really awkward with physical affection, but I usually mimic what boundaries others cross and cross myself. I just can’t really do that with him. He kept getting sick when we had a date or his parents wouldn’t let him go, or my parents wouldn’t let me go and I ended up sad and alone on Valentine’s Day, preparing for my grandma’s funeral. I want to keep trying and I know he’s trying but... I want to be free and cared for.

I thought I’d be happier with a cute, sweet bf, but I feel single with a shy guy friend who has a crush on me. I don’t want to break up with him cause he’s done nothing wrong, and I at least want to do it in person, but with corona and all, he’s stuck inside. Everything is just so out of our control. I want to keep trying, but if things get anymore chaotic, I’m going to lose it.