My mom after dads death

So, just a little backstory: my dad passed away in April, about a month and a half ago. He was sick for a long time, and it was expected. It’s been hard, but at least it wasn’t sudden, and we were prepared.

My mom has changed completely since he passed and I just don’t know how to handle it. I know she’s grieving, so I’m trying to give her some room to adjust to her new life. However, she’s become completely irresponsible. My parents weren’t in the best financial situation, but my dad put away some money in savings every month so my mom would have some comfort when he passed. She doesn’t make very much money, but they have a small apartment that wasn’t too expensive and her car is paid off. So, her needs were met and she had enough left over at the end of the pay period to have some spending money. But she is flying through the savings dad set her up with. Every day- and I mean literally every. Single. Day. She goes shopping after work. She bought new furniture, buying new home decor, and even been looking at some nicer apartments closer to her work (which I totally understand, but she’d be paying double her current rent).

She also wants to sell my dads truck, okay. I get that. She doesn’t need two vehicles. She also wanted to sell her car since it had a lot of miles and get something newer. She is going today and has decided to only look at brand new vehicles. My dad was a penny pincher, so I think she has this new freedom and is going a little crazy and irresponsible with it. I tried to talk to her about finding a nicer used car, or maybe holding off on a new apartment until she gets the newer car and knows what her new budget will be but she ignores me and tells me she knows what she’s doing. So, I’m backing off of that area.

My sister has always been my moms favorite, and I was always my dads. They didn’t mean for it to show, but it just always did. My dad was a wonderful musician, and he had a guitar he bought thirty years ago. He rebuilt it himself. It was a very special guitar. My dad wanted me to have it when he died. My sisters kid decided he wanted it and my mom told me that she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. So I didn’t get the guitar that my dad set aside for me.

My mom also has just quit caring about what I have going on. She talks to my sister and goes to her house several times a week. I see her maybe once a week, if I invite her over for dinner or offer to take her out to eat. I’m pregnant and she doesn’t ask about the pregnancy anymore. I’m struggling with my four year old, who has started peeing herself all of a sudden. I’ve tried a few different things, but called my mom for advice and all she says is that she doesn’t know and goes back to talking about herself.

All of our conversations are about: her worry over money (which she is spending left and right, but doesn’t stop even though she’s worried), dads death (she doesn’t talk about it like “I miss him”, it’s usually annoyance or tied back to money somehow), the stuff she’s buying, or her job. If I try to talk about something light hearted, like a movie or a recipe I tried, she shows zero interest. Every conversation is so heavy.

I don’t know what to do. My sister feels the same way, but my sister is the one helping her look for a brand new car and helping her look for new apartments. She’s already gotten rid of so much of my dads stuff, like his clothes. I had to go over there when she was at work and take a couple of his shirts just to have.

I’m becoming angry because I feel like everything my dad did to prepare for his death and create a stable life for my mom is being thrown away. For Mother’s Day, I took my dads hand writing and had a painting done with it that said “love you”. She complained because I used a birthday card he gave me as the template for the writing, and she would have liked something that said “love you baby” or something he specifically wrote for her instead. I put a lot of thought into that gift and she doesn’t care.

I know she’s grieving and I try not overburden her but I really need my mom right now. I don’t know how to talk to her anymore. She is always with my sister and doing things and making decisions with her. But if I try to have a say or offer up an opinion, it’s unwanted. I’ve tried to back off of things, like her finances, but she had to file bankruptcy before because of bad financial mistakes and I worry about her getting in that situation again. I think I’m just going to back off for now and give her some space. I really just needed to get all this out, so if you read all the way to here, thank you for just reading and listening.