I'm 18w pregnant, 29 years old, and engaged to the most wonderful man I've ever met. And today, I gave him an ultimatum. Today, I realized that I'm not as happy as I thought I'd be at this moment of my life. I really don't know where life is taking us at this moment and I need to know the partner I choose will be able to help with it all. My man is almost 40 years old, we are about 10 years and 2 months apart. He is the most amazing person, sweetest, kindest man I have ever met and as we all do, he has his flaws.

He doesn't drive, he has never had a full time job, he lives at home with his parents (we all moved in together about a year ago, he was living with them for 4 years prior to that before his divorce, as he helps care for them, they are in their mid 70s), and doesn't have any college education.

He's an amazing cook, an amazing musician, loves to talk and debate, he gets really into poetry and philosophy, he's a super smart man, and has a HUGE heart. Half the time I wonder why he's with me as I can be cruel sometimes but he works with it.

So today I gave him an ultimatum. I told him that he has until July 1st, 2021 to get himself together or I will call off the wedding and continue living life the way that feels fit for me. Why would I do that?

Well, when we first met, I told him that I had goals and plans for the future, create a family, build on my career, etc. And he shared with me his desire to be a musician and own a restuarant as a hobby, because this man can cook, sing, and play the hell out of a guitar, he has TALENT, as well as create a family. He told me how everyone in his family has told him he has wasted his life, his siblings are actually my parents age 😳, to say the least, he was the baby and unexpected surprise of the family, so of course everyone is going to be hard on him, right? And I'm listening and thinking, well, all you need is the right opportunity! I see your talent, let's get you out there. I'm also an aspiring musician, but I'm working on my current career path in banking and it's really panning out well for me as I get to create my own schedule, leaving enough room and time to continue to create and explore my artist endeavors. So, after dating him for over a year, we decided to move in together so that he'd have a whole room dedicated to his music and production because I'm telling you, he is REALLY GOOD and deserves a wonderful place to be able to explore and create more, and I was super willing to provide that for him, with the notion that he'd actually do something good with it.

Well, today, my state license test has been approved and I'll be studying for the next month and a half for the exam, while being 18w pregnant, with hormones buzzing out of me like crazy. When I pass it, I'll be getting a hefty promotion at my job. Yay! More money, and more responsibilities, added with a new baby to take care of at the same time.

I'm the one paying for half of the household bills and his parents pay the other half, however, I pay more in rent because I have 2 of the 3 bedrooms we have because I also work from home. However, i gave him my office to use as a studio so he could create the hell out of his music. It's all starting to strain on me now due to being pregnant, and responsible for all of the bills on our side. He doesn't contribute to bills because he has a really low paying job, and since COVID started, has only been able to work 2 times a week. Before that, he had those same hours, but the company he works for is super small, and have been significantly cutting their hours due to the lack of customers. So none of this is new.

However, during the time that we have been together, I have been helping him get a better job (there is absolutely no reason why he isn't qualified for even an entry level full time position), I've set him up on 3 interviews with my job, and helped him find about 4 other fulltime jobs he can apply for. None have gone past the interview, because I edited his resume to look really good and highlight his skillset, but the interview doesn't seem to go well. I'm not sure why, I wish interviews provided feedback. I've also offered to teach him how to drive with my car, he has his learner's so all he has to do is practice. So everything has been set up for him to succeed, however, here we still are in the same position we were in before we moved in together.

When I found out I was pregnant, I told him ok, now is the time to really get our shit together, let's get it going! He was amped up about all of it at first but it has seemed to fissel out and we are back to square one. I stopped helping him apply for jobs, because I realize he has to be the one to initiate it. And stopped asking him if he wanted to drive, because, again, he has to initiate it. So I've been waiting for him to make moves. He started making music again recently when I moved my studio and work office space together to make room for the nursery. So hes in the office with me most days hes off from his day job and is making music which is nice. There were a couple of stores we passed that were offering full time or even part time at this point that he said he'd apply to. He hasn't and I haven't asked because I know he hasn't. If I ask, he'll say he will and doesn't. He told me that his permit to learn how to drive will expire at the end of the year. So I'm thinking, ok let's get on it!! But no, he never asks to drive anymore or for me to teach him.

I feel a huge strain on our relationship, because I feel like I'm making a lot of sacrifices to create the life for me, him, and our baby to have. He is an amazing sweet man, however, his motivation is sometimes low to nonexistent unless the drive is within himself. However, I need him to know that we are bringing another being into this life who needs his help to provide, I didn't agree to do all of this on my own, only to help him get started on his passions. However, I feel my naivety has taken me on this path of always providing for someone else's dream and they have the same amount of magic as I do, and I want to help them, and see them make their dreams come true.

I've done this before with my previous partners, and I thought I had moved on past this, into a relationship I deserved, a kind, self serving man, and super caring which all of this he is. However, he doesn't provide for himself, so how can I expect him to magically provide for me and his child in the future?

I don't want to the the only breadwinner in this relationship, in any relationship, I need an equal partner and I thought love would help carry that through to him but it looks like the plan has foiled again. I know he has the capacity to make his dreams come true, I have the faith in him, however I need him to make real moves, real countable steps and actions towards them to be able to continue being in this relationship.

I don't want to feel like I make a mistake if I leave him, and he becomes the best version of himself, and I just want patient enough to wait. But I also don't want to keep going and being in a relationship with someone who's motivation and goal mindset doesn't meet mine. I don't want to resent him in the future, for holding me back, for making me the one who is responsible for all of this. I know who I am and what I am capable of. I just want a partner who enhances that and we make this life better together. I don't know if I have that with my current partner, and if I haven't learned by now, I may be here for a while. However, every man since my last most toxic relationship has been closer and closer to my dream man, and my fiance is a spitting image of my dream man, however, he isn't the provider I always dreamed of having, in this society like way. He provides comfort, support, love, care, and all of the sexual pleasures you could ask for, pep talks, great cook, a cleaner, etc but no money or way to take care of himself. That isn't who I want to be with.

So the ultimatum I gave him was, get it together by July 1st, 2021 or I'm calling off the wedding and moving out with our child. I won't threaten visitation, he isn't a bad guy, of course he'll still be involved in our child's life, but I need a partner, not someone else to take care of.

Is this ultimatum appropriate? Or did I act too fast and cause more harm in my relationship than intended?

I feel it's justified, I told him what I needed before we got together and it felt like he could provide if given the right opportunity, but it doesn't seem like this is the actual case. I also feel I set him up for failure. Advice would be so wonderful. I already feel crappy about myself and what I've done, so try to limit the name calling as best you can. I need uplifting words and support. Thank you for reading and for your advice in advance!

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Please don't be disrespectful in the comments. I asked for advice, not criticism of either my choices or my fiance. Thanks to those who have chosen to be kind and compassionate. And those who have chosen the opposite, go find another post to criticize. You're not helpful and acting like teenagers yourselves.