Confession

A few years ago I was struggling to live. I had just found out my husband who I had been married for only 4 months to was cheating on me. To make matters worse I had alopecia flare ups from the stress. Daily I would lose chunks of hair.

I was lied to, it was hurtful and for a short time I hid it from people and swallowed the pain... After a messy divorce was finalized I was left with feelings of depression, loneliness, and I hated myself. I hated that I had a lavish wedding only to end up in divorce and the shame that came with that fact was unbearable. I hated that those circumstances happened and I never was able to enjoy the time of being a newly wed woman. I hated that my little family was torn apart and that dreams of becoming a mother would now have to wait for the time I would maybe meet someone kind and fall in love again.

That was nearly 3 years ago and I am a stronger woman now. Therapy, prayer, a good support system, and removing toxicity from my life all helped me heal but everyday I am faced with some pain from the past and I'll explain further down what I mean if you get to it (long post) but please bare with me. Needless to say, it was a traumatizing time in my life...

One of the things I regret the most was a job I had the first few months I was going through the divorce process. My sister had called for me to get a job as a cashier at a neighborhood pharmacy. Something, anything, to get me out of the house and showering because I had completely let myself go. I honestly didn't even realize my condition because I was in so much pain. If you've ever been that sad before, you'll know what I mean.

I hated working there and looked foward only to seeing the 3 or 4 people that were always kind and patient with me.

Side note, most of my coworkers were polite but there were these two early 20 something girls who were complete a**holes to me. Entitled and just plain mean. They always made me feel like sh*t if I made any small mistake. They had been working there for a longer time and definitely took advantage of their power. Of course I hated this about the job and it would constantly bring me stress any days I worked with them around.

I had told the manager several times that I had not been myself and that's why I felt down at work and made mistakes here and there. My mind was not engaged in focusing. I remember looking at myself in a mirror across from the register and not recognizing myself. "Who is this sad person?" My face was in a constant frown and I just hated it but I couldn't force a smile. I was aching inside.

One day I was feeling exceptionally sh*tty... I had just found out my ex remarried immediately after the divorce went through. That day I was scheduled to work and with a new girl. She needed me to help her but at that point I couldn't even help myself. It was around this time I started therapy...Well that day, I did something awful. Right after my lunch break, I simply called my cousin and told him to pick me up. I lied and told him I had an early day when really I skipped work. And worst of all, I left this girl at the front by herself. Only the other people working there could help her but they had to tend to other departments. They were going to hate me, I knew it, but I didn't care so much because who can hate me more than myself at that point, right? I honestly don't know what my thinking was at that time but that's how I rationalize it in my head today...

It was selfish. From time to time I think about that thing I did and I cringe. The aftermath was the next day I spoke with one of the managers and he was polite about it suprisingly, but the other employees were grilling me like crazy from the second I stepped inside. I totally f*ked up their night the day before, why wouldn't they be mad?

One manager in particular that worked there wanted to have a word with me, but he came late to work that day and I wasn't going to stick around to get bashed. I just wanted to escape...crawl under my covers...and sleep till I woke up from this bad dream.

This business is close to where I live. Many times I want to walk in and find that manager and tell him I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I wasn't myself, I was in pain and my ex husband who just months after being married to me was marrying someone else, you didn't deserve that, but my mind pulls me back. What if he doesnt care? That's not his problem. What if he tells me to get the f*ck out?

I saw one of the employees at church several months after I stopped working there... She looked me dead in the eye with the meanest look it was like flying daggers. And she was sweet to me when I worked there..I looked forward to seeing her in the past and seeing her in church just broke my heart. "I deserved that..." I said to myself.

Latley more than ever I think about calling, writing, or stopping in. Whenever it came to my responsibilities I was committed to my work. I had NEVER done something like this at a workplace. And almost everyday, I pass by this pharmacy and I feel regrets for how my time there ended. It's been almost 3 years now but I want so badly to apologize. Should I reach out?

Thank you for reading all of this💞