Am I wrong for being upset? LONG story but need advice!

For starters, my dad has had explosive behavior my entire life. Over small things, He would get aggressive, yell, throw things, sometimes hit us, and almost always peel out the driveway saying I hate this fucking family. Then he would pretend nothing happened. Or sit and have a talk with us and say he acted this way because we did x. It was toxic and I vowed to never come back to it. To this day he is always mad at someone or something, he has three lawsuits open, has been to jail on alleged but dropped charges against hi him made by my grandpa after he went to beat him up, etc. **he was doing better for a while as he was on meds but believe he’s off them now**

I left for college at 17 across the country and was very career focused and generally a really good kid, despite that I was raped by my “best friend”s roommate and became pregnant. My son is now 3.

When I started dating after my older son, I met my younger sons dad and three months in I saw red flags and left. A week and a half later found out I was pregnant. He is now 9months.

**in case anyone is wondering, no I’m not interested in dating again, and if I ever do, I will not be intimate until I am married, I refuse to risk being in this position again.**

Two fridays ago I had court for my youngest. It was via zoom, so the entire process kind of took all day, we had our appearance but didn’t get our minute order until the afternoon. I got home around 1, my son was super fussy, not letting me put him down, and just a lot, which happens. I stared making my moms birthday cake. My 3y/o was helping, while also playing with toys here and there, a few little things nothing crazy just is a lot to keep cleaning up when he’s still playing I have a fussy baby and I’m trying to make this cake. I was in the process of it, just put the cakes into the freezer to cool, then sat to check my email as I had gotten the order and didn’t realize it was already near 5, my dad walked out from a nap because he had been dealing with a migraine (I’m assuming from being hungover as it turns out they were blasted the night before) at that point.

He made a couple comments, got increasingly aggressive, throwing things, cussing, my baby who had just gone down for a nap woke up because of this, so I went to change him, had his diaper off when I heard my 3y/o get upset and my dad cuss at him so I threw my nakey butt baby on my hip and go to corral my older son into our room then had decided to leave as my dad was clearly about to snap I threw my younger sons diaper on my older son tried to go back out to get the toy he was upset about and I was trying to convince him to get in the car and my dad asked where we were going and I said we were going for a drive as they were both upset. He was cussing and getting more mad as I got to the door he was coming around the corner with my straightener and curling iron (I had ZERO help in the morning, a clingy baby, and two kids to get ready and out the door by 730, so those got left out in my bathroom as they were still hot) and approaching us, so I got us out the door quick, strapped my litttle one in, then threw my older son in his seat and strapped him in. I jumped into my seat and locked the doors and as I did that my dad came out the door with trash bags and picked my sons bike up and threw it 15 feet toward my car. He kept walking to the dump trailer so I got out grabbed my sons bike (he was devastated) and the diaper bag and we left.

I told my sister that my dad got upset and I wasn’t sure it was a good idea to come back. She called and asked and I told her what happened. He texted me “I’ve never walked out on you!!!! good luck!!!!” (Only every other week growing up, along with “I hate this fucking family”). She asked him if it would be ok for me to come back he tried to say I don’t know she just fucking left she can do whatever she wants and my sister just said I heard there was throwing things and stuff are you sure? And he went off on her for “confronting” him. I came back, made sure the boys and I were in bed before everyone left.

The next day my mom texted us in a group message forcing his twisted perspective on us, saying our mistakes are cemented (my sister and I have had shit luck with exes, maybe because of the shit example of a father), asking for grace, etc. then my sister and brother went off saying very accurate things but there are ways to say them more constructively. All I said was that we all need help and we need to help him get help and reminded her of how he treats her when he’s upset with her. That’s it. He boycotted Father’s Day (after a lovely, very mature text at 3am *sarcasm*) because of all of this. Said he wanted nothing from us. So we respected that. Then he vents to his friend about how us kids did nothing for him for Father’s Day. My son and I did a card for him still, but he ignored it and left it on the table for days. I threw it away as I was tired of seeing my son hurt that papa didn’t open his card.

A few days later he comes up to me and says something along the lines of “your sisters calling your mom an enabler (using a hurtful name related to family issues) etc so you need to get out as soon as possible because this is your problem you play the victim and that’s your whole problem i wont stand for your disrespect in my house. Acting like I’m a monster.” He was clearly worked up. My younger son was on my hip. Then as he’s getting water to go back outside my older son was doing a puzzle and says “why do you talk to my mom like that? And why do you throw my bike on nonnis birthday?” Then my dad left cussing saying look who’s talking now, I don’t answer to a fucking three year old. Insinuating that I pushed that onto my son when he literally saw my dad do what he did and is now afraid of him because of the way he acted. My son and I had a talk about it and how that’s not how we handle our anger and such but I didn’t say anything further and definitely don’t want to ruin his image of my dad, but seems he does that plenty fine on his own.

So I am essentially being chastised for what my sister said. He has no idea what my brother said but it was right there with what my sister said. My parents both messaged me sister about how I’m lazy and play the victim and left out parts of the story (I definitely did not; and the laziness has to do with the garbage in the house we ALL -brother parents and I- contribute to that I usually don’t have the hands to take out when he is always going out toward the dump trailer with no kids in tow. But do it when I can.) I have worked my ass off keeping the house clean FAR beyond what messes we make. Making my dad breakfast. Lunch. Dinner for everyone. Written thank you cards for them. Etc. it’s not like I have not respected and appreciated that they allowed us to stay in their apartment/space even with rent as I know it’s far more affordable than the apartments in our area.

Anyhow, We would be in a homeless shelter right now if it weren’t for my very good friend and her husband offering for us to stay in their extra separate room. Single mothers are the most disadvantaged humans in society and it makes me mad. I have been trying to get into affordable housing since my older son was a baby. I lost my job in March due to covid. I have applied to over 50 jobs since, and nothing. We are moved out into our own separate room at my friends until we can get into an apartment, I’m going to look at one today that just came available in affordable housing and praying it works out. Also picking up the rest of our belongings and leaving his keys to the house as he asked. I will not be going back until he gets help.

My sister is getting married in a week and it’s out of state, on a visit night. There is NO way I can do that. Financially. And she “let me off the hook” but I feel like a lot of it is to do with she is yet again brushing my parents behavior under the rug. It feels as if I am not at all part of the family. I never felt like I was. Any family events were not kid friendly so I couldn’t go. Before that I would just not get invited/notified anyway. But my sisters wedding? That’s pretty freaking sad. It feels as if she didn’t want me there to begin with and now with my hopefully getting an apartment she is using that as a way to tell me not to come. And my parents are exiling me because of what she said but now she and they had a whole conversation and are on ok terms. It just blows my freaking mind. Am I wrong for being upset about allll this? There are more details (I mean there always are) but this is already a book lol.