I don’t know what to think

This is a little complicated, but hopefully you can follow along:

So last summer I was 15. My grandparents decided to house one of my aunt’s students (she’s a highschool principal) after she found out he was homeless and being charged with a crime he said he didn’t commit. He was 19. He was accused of sexually assaulting a 17 year old girl at 18 at a party. The way he told me the story was that SHE was the one begging for it but he said no and she got superrr mad that he wouldn’t touch her. Apparently she has a history of accusing guys. For whatever reason I chose to believe him, as my aunt and grandparents did. The guy is funny, kind, and very likable. I also happened to find him pretty attractive. For 4 nights in a row we stayed up watching movies and talking about life and during the days we spent time with the family on the boat having fun. I can’t believe it but I was sure I fell in love. On the last night together we laid on the ground in the living room and held hands, then cuddled. At one point he tried to kiss me and I said no because I don’t know how. I’d only kissed one boy-one time-months before. He told me he would teach me and he did. We kissed all night and he started touching me, but I said no and went to bed. He told me he loved me in the morning when I flew off.

In January I found out his girlfriend (who he started dating about a week after I left lol) was pregnant. In January I started dating 18 year old a.w. I know it’s bad, since I was still 15, but at some point we forgot. A is the most amazing person I’ve ever met. We just always had a blast doing anything. A and I decided to sneak out when quarantine happened. Those nights were amazing. Anyway a few months into the relationship we started exploring sexually. Which obviously is illegal, but I will continue defending our decision because everything was consensual, he always stopped whenever I said I didn’t like something, we were very comfortable around each other, and I myself feel mature enough to make the decision to become sexually active. I had sex for the first time on May 22, a little less than a month before my 16th birthday. Of course we used protection and he was very gentle. I loved it! Beside the point. About 10 days later, I told my parents and we both had police interviews. I had to tell them EVERYTHING. That night I also had to go to the hospital so they could do a rape test on me. Worst thing ever. My parents haven’t let me contact him since.

A week after that happened, on June 10th, I’m still 15, I visited my grandparents. The guy still lives with them with his girlfriend-who btw is VERRRY pregnant. At this point the guy is 20 years old. I’m keeping my distance and avoiding much talk with either of them, but one night when we’re alone, he tells me he’s never gotten over me and still loves me. I tell him he has a pregnant girlfriend that he loves, but when he asks me if I feel the same...I know I’m terrible...I whisper a yeah (even though tbh I’m thinking about a. at this exact moment). Keep in mind I’m an emotional wreck being that I had just gone through the police stuff, being told I can’t see my boyfriend again, the rape kit thing, and my parents just constantly yelling at me.

So here’s where it gets bad. Like bad bad. I don’t remember if it was that same night, but its really late and I come upstairs to see him playing on the computer. I go behind the bar and chugg grey goose. Obviously I can’t be doing that. I’ve never really drank before and I was only 15. I chugged it. I sit on the couch and watch him for a little bit. Then he tells me to come over there. He kissed me. There’s no way he wasn’t able to smell the alcohol on my breath. He asked me if I would sneak out later. I said sure. Whyyyyy would I say that😪In not much time at all I PASSED OUT on the couch. When he woke me up everything was a blurr and I was so dizzy, but I felt good at the same time. He said he was going outside now, and that’s when I said no. Even drunk and emotional I knew it was a bad idea. I reminded him of his gf again, and told him I was so tired, and (why did I do this) a little hairy😂He still went outside. After a few minutes I just said fuck it in my head and went out there. I told him again no way I’m doing this, but he said ‘get on your knees and suck it now’. Honestly I was a little scared but I listened. I went on my knees. At some point he got me up and brought me over to his car. He told me to turn around and I did. He pulled down my pants and told me to lean over the hood. I said a quiet “ok”. He put it in and I just laid there forever while he fucked me. I never explicitly said no, and I never pushed him away. The worst part is that the sex felt way better than anything a. did, even though tbh I didn’t really want it. At the same time throughout it I kept telling him how bad it is that he has someone, and he’s going to get caught. Another terrible thing about this was he didn’t use a condom and didn’t ask me until halfway through if I was on birth control. Thank god I was, he came inside me.

The next day he bought me clothes and gave them to me when I woke up (mind you veryyy hungover for the first time in my life) and then gave me a hug because itd be the last time I saw him before I went home.

On the night of my birthday, very late, I called a. to tell him I missed him and everything and he told me we’d make it work however way we could. It was the best call we’ve ever had. The thing was I had no idea I would ever be able to talk to him again and we were still “together”. I was told we were over, and I was told by the police he got the same message. I realized I fucked up and I had no idea how to tell him.

You guys, I’m being crushed with guilt because I did that. At the same time there’s no way he should have let me. I don’t think I was in the right mindset to make such a big decision like that. He was 20 while I was 15. I was drunk. He knew what I had just gone through. But I liked it, i kissed him after, and I never explicitly said no. Only at the very beginning.

I told a. what happened just like I wrote it here and he is so hurt. I think it’s over. He’s also really mad because he thinks I was taken advantage of, and he’s mad I didn’t tell anyone. He’s mad because he almost got charged while this guy goes free of consequence. A. Treated me like I was the most perfect thing in the world, and still got in huge trouble.

I’m so confused, I’m guilty of cheating, though at the time I didn’t think we were together. At the same time I’m positive that a 20 year old should not be fucking a 15 year old, escpecially under the circumstances (emotional, drunk, and he has pregnant gf) even if I begged for it. Which I didn’t. Do I tell someone what we did? How much trouble will I get in for underage drinking? Does the fact I liked it mean anything? I can’t believe I did that. It’s not like me at all, even if I knew he was single and I DID happen to still be “in love”. I should have known better.

Is there a way to save my relationship at the same time? I never stopped loving A.

Also don’t know if I should mention I thought I was pregnant because I got the shot about 3 days before I had sex with the guy and i haven’t had a period, and I had a ton of pregnancy symptoms. Turns out that was all because of depo. I think.