Binge eating problem 😖 rant

Ok so...

I’m currently 10 weeks PP.

Way before I got pregnant I was overweight. I weighed 170 lb. I’m 5 foot 1 inch tall.

I got all the way down to 105 lb and maintained it for about a year, until I got pregnant.

I threw my entire diet out the door once I found out I was pregnant and ate whatever I wanted. I got right back into that horrible, horrible habit.

I kept telling myself I’d go back to strict dieting once I had the baby. But then I breastfed for the first 8 weeks. So I said I’ll start my diet once I quit breastfeeding. It was really just another excuse.

Now I’ve been done BF for 2 weeks and I have tried and failed over and over again to get back into my healthy eating habits.

Working out with a newborn is fucking way harder than I thought it’d be 🥴 I’ve basically been on “lockdown” since March. I never leave my apartment because of COVID. So finding my motivation has been extremely hard. I used to plan my meals out everyday. Breakfast, lunch at work, go to the gym after work, then dinner when I got home. But now I’m staying home with the baby and not on any kind of routine and just feel like I’m all over the place. I know that isn’t an excuse, but it’s just so hard to find my motivation.

I have a binge eating problem. Once I stopped BF I started smoking weed again (it’s legal where I live so don’t come at me) I only smoke once at night when the baby’s asleep. But after I smoke I start eating EVERYTHING and don’t care about my diet at all. Food is just so enjoyable to me, I love to eat. So when she goes to sleep for the night it’s like my “me” time. I smoke, eat snacks, watch something funny on TV. It sucks because I like to smoke, it’s helped me so much with PPD. I was definitely falling into that dark place from time to time before I stopped BF. But now once I wake up the next morning I just feel angry with how my body looks and for messing up on my diet again. I feel sloppy and gross. Then I try starting over and I mess up again. It’s a horrible cycle 😩

I currently weigh 150 lb. So I have around 50 lb to lose to be at my goal weight. Just the thought of that makes me want to quit before I even begin. It was sooooo hard for me to lose the weight the first time and once I lost it all I told myself I would NEVER let myself be that big again. And here I am feeling like I’ve completely failed. I know I was pregnant, but I could’ve ate so much healthier.

I guess I need to quit smoking again so I can have better self control over my diet. I don’t really know what the point of this post was and if you read this far thank you for taking time out of your day to listen to me. I guess I’m looking for tips and tricks, or someone else who can relate.