Having children

My fiancé wants to have two kids, either adopted or with me. But I don’t know if I want more than one, or any at all. I have such a hard time bonding with people and after growing up with eight people in my family, my mother was literally addicted to having children. She actually admitted it to me a few weeks ago. I grew up with a ton of siblings that were all so young and ended up caring for them like a mother while my mom went through her midlife crises and forced my dad out of the house. Most of my childhood was filled with abuse from my mother who had anger issues and trauma from her childhood.

I’ve always had trouble forming bonds with people and maintaining relationships. I’ve never cried at a funeral. I struggle to make friends or socialize. Basically I’m worried I won’t love or even like my kids because the idea of having them terrifies me and makes me uncomfortable. I just have no desire at all to have a child. They’re fine and everything but they’re gross... and I’d rather have a dog. When I think about having kids it’s the equivalent of having to reach into the toilet after you deported your phone.

I know I should get some counseling and will hopefully be able to soon... but I just don’t know if I should leave him so he can find someone who wants kids as much as he does... I don’t want to get married only to have him leave. ( were supposed to get married this next Saturday, we agree and get along wonderfully about everything else it’s just children...)