Two years ago, I really fucked up. I took Molly 3 times in one month. I was young and stupid, and didn’t take the time to understand the drug to have the right tools. I didn’t connect the dots from my depression to my Molly experience until months later.

The Tuesday after my last Molly dose, I was in the sauna when I began to suddenly feel this immense weight on my body and deep emotional burden. I felt like my brain was going to explode and I was grinding my teeth. It was the worst feeling. 😖 Again, I didn’t realize this was the aftermath of Molly until months later.

Following the incident, work became so toxic and stressful that it crossed my mind to think death would be better than to deal with it all. In the past I had never had anything really affect me like that. It was the first time I felt weak and that my emotions were weighing me down in every faucet of my life.

I didn’t want to face the world anymore, so I stayed in my bed for two weeks straight without sunlight. 🛌

A few months go by and I went to my doctor and a got a therapist that specializes in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). I felt like I was talking in circles all the time and I didn’t know how to get out. I even got an SSRI from the doctor but I only took it for a few days. I didn’t want to open my world to another prescription drug. 💊 I also occasionally take 70mg of Vyvanse, which doesn’t help, so I try to minimize my usage. The comedowns are rough and sometimes trigger dark moods.

Nonetheless, I did some major introspection in this time.

Ever since that incident, I‘ve lost my motivation, passion, work ethic, and social skills. It’s weird and extremely frustrating.

I also had a friend die and life just felt like it was a downhill battle.

I tried to tolerate the depression as time went on but I’ve decided I don’t like that solution anymore because I have spent too many days in bed, unmotivated.

**

Fast forward to last week, I had some time to think about my depression again. After countless doctor meetings and therapy sessions, I decided to find my own unique way out of this. After much research, I purchased a supplement — 5-HTP (the supplement I should have had on hand after all those Molly trips). I think I have depleted my serotonin levels from taking Vyvanse all my life and from that heavy month of Molly.

Results: I’m on my third day and so far so good. I feel more in control, less moody, and I have gotten out of bed to work on my laptop. Hopefully this isn’t a placebo and I see consistent lasting results. 😌

I really want my depression to end. I need to pick myself back up because life is moving fast and I want to live it. Fingers crossed. 🤞 ❤️