I’m trapped in my body

I’m young, I should be able to lose weight. I shouldn’t have to feel trapped in a body that I hate. Already its hard being gender queer, with huge boobs and a bunch of uterus issues. Diets, fitness, anorexia and bulimia, doesn’t matter.

I know all of the “you look beautiful at any size!”, “don’t let your weight define you!”, body positive stuff. I try to follow it, apply it to my life. It’s just so hard, too hard, so exhausting and draining that it’s not worth it anymore.

When I look in the mirror and see my developing double chin, my large breasts, stomach beginning to peak over my panty line, feel my back rolls gather sweat and my chubby arms shake when I move. See the bright red thick stretch marks starting to blend in the rest of my scars, cover my stomach, arms, chest, thighs, butt. Knowing that I just keep expanding no matter what I try. I feel disgusting.

I feel like my body is broken and hateful.

It used to be about health but it’s not anymore.

I lift others up all the time, support them and think they’re beautiful, but can’t see myself that way at all.

I just want to see a before and after picture of myself that I can be proud of for a change, but I’m still trapped in this gross body, stuck in the image in the mirror.

I don’t want to do this anymore.