i used to rly fw u

but when i saw u after years u ditcheddd me to be w ur bf. on my birthday.

(i shouldn't even care ab it anymore since i realized that u didnt care ab me.)

it's been a few months since i went back home bc u drove me out. ive not been okay which isnt saying something since i never am.

i tried to push u into trying and u dodged it every time talkin bout how u dont know wtf ur doing NO ONE DOES i literally moved states away w no plans!! but none of that is relevant to why u dont want to communicate your emotions?? i asked for bare minimum and u wouldn't even try. u just kept giving me condescending looks and body language as to hurt me and when i confronted u to tell me WHY you..

u were privileged and didn't want to understand that i wasn't good okay that i needed help that i was suffering. because you didn't want to share that?or something i don't rly understand it but it was clear that when u weren't the one talking about the problems being had, u would be upset and angry. why??

bc i thought u would support me and so hopefully id adjust into a normal job but that fell thru bc WE did. my anxiety messed me up and u didn't even try understanding it. tbh if i was taking medication i wouldn't have quit after two days but i felt like crying every moment and it only intensified. i told u this and AGAIN u were aggravated "you’ll get used to it" NO!!!!!!! i wont!!!

i know me and it's NOT about being nervous around other ppl and being nervous about doing my job right. those aren't the only issues a person can struggle with contrary to every tv show u watched or every cringey instagram quote u read. it runs so much deeper than that. it's entangled with my childhood trauma ffs.

i had no idea what to do tho and i felt so pathetic and lost so i ended up repeating that mistake again which just goes to show no one understood at all. how fucked up i am. no one ever thought to be like maybe getting another job isn't a good idea considering u haven't saught out a solution to the problem or even analyzed the problem.

yeah so ive isolated myself all this time and ive stayed an unemployed dropout that barely converses w my friends even. im not on medication and im not in therapy. im just fucking being pathetic doing nothing. not working toward anything. i wish i could disappear from existence. but i wont and im not. i wish i had a mom. i wish i had a parent jfc to help me bc i dont want to help myself. i cant. i cant work up the nerve to schedule an appointment for help bc im scared and of what that's beyond me.

in a nut shell,,, we were 'close'. adoc. doug. gerard. duke. maggot. "buddy". brobro. fruit salad (yummy yummy). yt series. animal jam. letters. hyper happy energy. but the whole time i knew and ignored the red flags. so when i saw u, you could no longer ignore me or manipulate me as easily. i saw right through it. i practically begged u to care ab me. it hurt so much to face the truth.

i think i realized why u cried when i left. we've been in a relationship for SO long and i truly cared ab u, i was understanding and listened, i gave u validation,, and u lost that (but only me since u have ur mans. lmao obv since u only ever interacted w him on ft and would only talk to me if he was busy or yall fought. fucking wow)

i miss the times. i don't miss having u not actually care about me.

i just wanna be happy and know what im doing or even what to do. but i dont. and i dont have anyone or anything to help. im stuck and hiding in a corner.